Wednesday, October 17th, Day Forty-Three, Handbook

Wednesday, October 17th, Day Forty-Three, Handbook



If you want to join our journey from the beginning, start with Day One.


I took the day off.  I did not go to the rehab center today.  Instead I have been coming up with strategy for my situation.

Strategy to Get a Handbook

This is my thought:  since I am not a resident here, I must be a visitor.  Therefore, the visitors policy would apply to me.  The executive director said something to us about visitors not being able to stay more than 30 days, so that confirms that the management considers me to be a visitor.  The question is:  how long must visitors be gone before they can come back?  I wonder if that is in the visitors policy.  I called the information desk and asked about the visitors policy.  She could not quote it.  She said she would get back with me.  I called again and asked someone else, who also could not quote it.  Many hours later, the first lady returned my call and said the visitor’s policy was in the Handbook, page 25.
If I can live by the letter of the visitors policy, perhaps I can get a room once a month, get away, and then come back.  It might be cheaper than getting a separate apartment and allow me more time with my husband.  I called the lawyer I talked to yesterday and asked if the management could kick me out as a visitor.  He said said yes depending on the visitors policy.  It is in the Handbook, so I am trying to get my hands on it.
I have not been able to find the 2018 Handbook anywhere in the residence.  So, I called the assistant executive director and left a message with her about getting a copy of the handbook.  I am still waiting for a response.

Rights of a New Spouse

I found something in the initial agreement about Rights of a New Spouse.  It said a new spouse must meet financial and health requirements to become a resident.  The section did not mention the 62-year-old minimum.  It said the resident may terminate the agreement if the spouse does not meet the requirements.  It said “may,” not “must”.
What more information can I uncover?  Also, I tried to turn in the form for entry into the residence.  The woman at the information desk said a witness had to be someone outside of the family.  So, I have to get it re-witnessed, which is a pain, but I can get it done.


I bought a laptop computer today, so I will be ready if I need to get out of here and stay somewhere else. I want to keep my blog rolling, which has become very important to me.  I could even take it to the rehab center.


The maid from housekeeping came this morning and got the place back to snuff.
I can still stay here for about six more weeks.  There is another possible monkey wrench in our plans to stay here.  The speech pathologist said that the rehab center would invite someone from the retirement complex to verify that a patient is capable of living independently.  If not, the person must stay in the rehab center until he/she is capable or seek alternative housing.  She did not speak officially, but her comments troubled me.


With the slow progress my husband is making mentally and physically, my stress level is gradually going up rather than down.


Concerning the communication issue I had yesterday, this morning I wrote a one-star Google review of the rehab center, explaining what happened.  Yesterday, the nurse manager gave me another albeit unpublished number, where I could leave messages for my husband.  However, that will not prevent future customers from running into the same situation.  In addition, the staff seemed to underestimate the impact of the dropped communication.  They were more concerned about what their job descriptions included.
My hope is that when the rehab center management sees that review, they will re-do their procedures to 1) allow for messages and 2) correctly let people know how they can leave them–without getting messages dropped in the process.  Since there are only eight reviews so far of the rehab center, my rating is bound to have an impact on its overall rating.

Sympathetic People

So, what can I do?  The maid this morning was very sympathetic to my plight.  The cook at the rehab center used to cook here at the retirement complex.  She was sympathetic also.  The retirement complex let her go, and it could have been age discrimination.  She thought of fighting legally, but the retirement complex is so big and retains so many lawyers, she was intimidated.  I feel the same way.
I wish I could talk it over with my husband, but he does not communicate much.  When I ask him to come up with solutions, I usually do not get something workable.  He is not really solution-minded.  His son is more solution-minded.

Thursday Morning

Today is a special day for me, which I want to celebrate.  I talked to Mom for a long time last night.  She gave me some suggestions.  I should have written them all down.
One that I remember is that I need to obtain financial power-of-attorney for my husband.  My husband may be reluctant to relinquish that, but he has not been managing his finances himself, at least since I came to Colorado.  I have done what I can.  Last night, I discovered we still have money in his checking account, even more than when I last looked, which is a relief.
Mom suggested asking questions of the rehab center staff to figure out how my husband’s therapy works and how much of a recovery we can expect.  If my husband does not recover fully enough to return to this residence, we will have to pursue other housing options, which I am sure will be more expensive.  [My step-son says he is confident that my husband will be able to return to our retirement complex.]
She thought the idea of pursuing the visitors policy might be fruitful.  She thought perhaps I could obey the “letter of the law” and get away with being here most of the time.  That strategy depends on my husband having an adequate recovery.  Getting a copy of the Handbook she agreed was the next priority.
She asked me to calculate what a round trip to Utah would cost, in case that became necessary.  I think it would cost a bit more than $500, counting the taxi fees.  She thought perhaps I could consider coming home to Utah periodically if I get kicked out of here.
I let my mother know my sister does not think my symptoms are lupus.  Mom said I could just stop worrying about it then.  However, my sister could be in error.  I will see how my next medical appointment goes.
I told Mom I bought a computer yesterday to make it possible to keep my blog going.  She thought that was a good idea.
She suggested getting a trust written up for my husband, so his heirs can avoid probate.

Not Solution-Oriented

I told Mom I thought I was in my second adolescence when I was in Utah living with her.  I had very little responsibility compared to now.  Fortunately, I am not all alone.  Many people have stepped up to help.  What I need is some leverage, so the burden does not seem so heavy.  I mentioned that my husband was not solution-oriented and that he even blocks solutions I come up with sometimes.

Hard, Doable, and Worth It

I told my counselor in Utah before I left that this marriage was going to be hard, doable, and worth it.  So far it is mostly hard.  However I have felt overall that it is worth it.  Will I feel that way if I am kicked out of here?  I do not know.


The assistant executive director called me, and I now have the Handbook in my hands.  It appears that there is a limit of 30 overnight stays per guest, period, unless permission is granted in writing by the executive director for exceptional circumstances.  What we have is an exceptional circumstance.  So if the executive director is inclined, he can legally grant us an extension.  Could I be a permanent guest?  Probably not.  It looks like our 60-day extension could be all the grace we will get.  Mom suggested asking my step-son’s wife to negotiate a longer guest period for us.

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