Wednesday, February 13th, Day 162, I Am Healed
Valentine’s Day is almost here! I love the royal heart procession shown above. I used this image for invitations and programs for my Romantic Enchantment piano performances, which were both held in the month of February.
Yesterday, I worked on my self-image upgrade and read a portion of Connie Bennett’s Beyond Sugar Shock.
If you would like to join me in this journey from the beginning, please start with Day One.
This morning, I woke up early and started on my Goalscape activity sequence. Feeling healed of my disordered mind, I checked off quite a few activities, including JV Life Tracker and meditation, went on a walk, had breakfast, and went back to bed. I did not sleep or stay long however.
I asked my husband if he was going to keep me, and he said, “You are my life!” His marital satisfaction appears to be very high, for which I am very glad. I do my best to keep him happy. He said his job is to keep me happy. I said, “You are doing all right.” Yes, it is wonderful to be healed.
My freedom to write in this blog every day is a lot of what is keeping me happy. Finding myself through self-expression is very satisfying to me. I want to do my best to share it with others who may experience healing from what I say. Recently, I re-read Maxwell Maltz’ 1960 classic Psycho-Cybernetics. I am especially interested in his description of the Success Mechanism and have committed its steps to memory.
I am grateful for this beautiful condo, the peace in my marriage, my love for my husband, my friends and family, our resources for food and other necessities of life, being able to write so much in this blog, my JV Life Tracker app, our cell phones, and the Internet. I am especially grateful that I am healed.
While walking this morning, I did something new and climbed up the stairs to the second level to check it out. It looks a lot like our floor except there is no hall to the main entrance. As I passed each condo unit on our first floor, I reviewed the twelve activities that increase happiness from The How of Happiness and made sure I still had them memorized.
I gave my husband the romantic Valentine’s Day card I bought for him. He said he loved it and asked me to display it for him. I am beginning to once again experience vibrant joy.
Perhaps one of the keys to my happiness is that I spoke “I am healed,” over my life last Sunday. That could probably bear repeating. There. I spoke it again, “I am healed.” It is like I installed ‘healed’ into my self-image.
My husband is watching TV right now, this time with the sound on. It is a bit distracting, but I can still write. I am glad he is happy too.
I spent most of the afternoon resting or sleeping–catching up. I am baking dinner now. I am looking over my Cronometer log. I probably cannot get all my nutrients today. However, on the average I have been doing very well. No wonder I have felt that I am healed.
My husband’s son and his wife and two young girls went to Disney World this week. I hope they are having a good time. My parents treated me to Disney World in 1999.
My counselor is leaving my counselor network, so I have to start over with someone new. I have established rapport with my counselor, so this is not welcome news. I think I will see how this next month goes and then possibly call for a new counselor. It is possible that I no longer need a counselor, however I want to stay in the network because the crisis line has been very helpful. I can call someone in the middle of the night. They can help me over the phone.
Dinner improved my nutrient profile in Cronometer more than I expected. Including a fiber supplement and a potassium supplement, I got 119% of potassium and 107% of fiber (100% is 30 grams) for the day. Those two nutrients have been the hardest for me to get on the average. Now since January 7th, I have averaged 94% of the RDA (4700 mg) daily of potassium. That percentage has been on the rise.
My husband went to bed after dinner. I am waiting for a grocery delivery. We had a devotional together and have talked together a lot today. My precious marriage is working out. It is challenging but good.
My Goalscape sequence has a lot of to-do’s on it that will take a while to do. Some of them I am not sure of being able to complete because they involve my husband. He has not been easy to motivate.
Fortunately, I have established the habit of using Cronometer. I am consistent with JV Life Tracker as well. I have not been as consistent with meditation, so I need to re-build consistency with that. My blog is getting steady attention. My Big Four is beginning to succeed.
I want to think a bit more about my self-image. Ever since I started reading Psycho-Cybernetics again, I have been thinking about the implications of my self-image. I think most of us get our self-image damaged along the way. People tell us we cannot do things, and because we trust them, we believe them. However, who is anyone to say what we can or cannot do? Just because we have not done something before does not mean we cannot do it. Also, we may think we are too young or too old to do something. That is rarely the case. People usually stop doing activities long before they absolutely have to.
So what do I want to do? For now, I have given up my piano playing. Sometimes I regret that decision. I could still get a digital piano, if I can find a place for it. I told my husband I would not do that, but I could change my decision.
I find that music through singing and dancing allows me more creative expression than playing music on the piano does. Like being in the middle of a musical, I can make up tunes and words as I go along. I can dance to my own music as well. I have only my husband as an audience, but he enjoys it. Is that good enough? Maybe it is for now.
I could do some more work programming the Android. Just now, I do not have an app I am burning to create. Perhaps I should think of something. I could work on JV Life Tracker as well. Right now I do not have definite plans to do that. However, it is a possibility. I could even build an app for someone else.
A part of me wants to learn a whole lot more about software development. I majored in computer science and graduated in 1982. A lot of water has gone under the bridge since that time. Besides that, I have forgotten a lot of what I learned. I am glad I had a 15-year career in software development. It was cut short by repeated manic episodes. My mother says, “You won’t ever be able to work again.” Perhaps I should not have listened to her. Then again, I have better options than working right now.
It is nice to not have the constant stress of a software engineering job, but I am still very interested in the field and want to know and do more. In the related field of mathematics, I would like to do more as well.
For now, writing my blog is very exciting. I believe my writing ability has improved with constant practice and revision.
I could also improve my skills in the kitchen. Writing my 2012 paperback cookbook, KaeLyn’s Korner Kitchen: Complete Meals for the Healthy-Minded, taught me a lot, but I have learned more since. I could even write another cookbook. That requires a great deal of effort, but the experience is delicious.
I still have books to put on Amazon.com. Joyful Vibrance: Transform Your Body Image, Energy, and Mood! is all but done.
I could even do public speaking if I could overcome my fear of driving. However, I could take Lyft to a venue. Now that I know the Lyft system, I have another option. I would prefer to take off my excess weight first, but that probably is not really necessary. My husband thinks I am perfect as is. To him, beauty is a large bust size, and I have that. I recall that some of the trainers at IIN (Institute for Integrative Nutrition) were overweight, more overweight than I am. They went ahead with their nutrition careers, as they were. I admired their courage.
So let me not talk myself out of anything. Having bipolar is not an excuse for failure. Nothing is. Being 57 is not too old. Being married to an alcoholic is not an excuse for failure. The only reason I would fail is if my self-image proscribes me from doing what I need to do. So I want to do some work on my self-image. The most important belief to install in my self-image is that I am healed.
I am pricelessly unique. No one has exactly the same attributes as I do. When I was in grade school, classmates told me I was weird, so I incorporated that into my self-image. However, ‘weird’ could mean ‘unique’. My classmates were trying to be conformists. I tended to be myself. Now I am glad I was myself. I am glad I am still myself. I am authentic.
So how can I parlay my uniqueness? I can stop telling myself I cannot do necessary activities for any of the above reasons or for any reason. Yesterday, I mentioned that I wanted to have influence but did not think that was me. It is time to put ‘being influential’ into my self-image. Let me put all of Brendon Burchard’s six high-performance habits into my self-image: clarity, courage, productivity, influence, necessity, and energy. Brendon has determined through research that these habits are the most critical for high performance.
Starting in 2017, I put Brendon’s six habits into JV Life Tracker and scored myself from 1-10 on how I was doing with them each day. That began to change my life. Since I scaled down my JV Life Tracker master task list, I do not have the six habits in there anymore. Dear reader, you may want to consider tracking those habits.
My groceries arrived, and I put them away. I got three 64-ounce bottles of each type of V8. V8 is a processed food, but it is nutritious. Mixing the two types of V8 allows me to control my balance of electrolytes. I need plenty of sodium and potassium because lithium drains my body of both. Lithium, sodium, and potassium are all in the same family on the periodic table of elements.
It is now bed time. I just took my bedtime meds. Though I say, “I am healed” and I believe it, I am not going to make the mistake of going off my meds again. I sincerely wish there was a way off; I have been trying for over 33 years. Now I surrender to my medication. The consequences of going off my medication are not worth another trial. Other people have told me they have gotten off. Good for them.
Thursday Morning, Valentine’s Day
I slept well last night. Today is the day of love. What vibrant joys are here for me today? I am grateful to be in love and grateful to be healed.
My husband says we have really been married for years. I do not quite agree, since I did not have a certified marriage, but I realize he has felt attached to me since we first met on December 18, 2005. He did not express interest in getting married so I kept looking for someone else. Nothing lasted, and two of the men I dated even died. I am grateful things have worked out the way they have. I am grateful to be back in Colorado. Colorado is my home now.
I am sipping a mixture of two kinds of V8 (original and low sodium), which is giving me the electrolytes to start my morning. V8 has a good nutrient profile of many vitamins and minerals, including a lot of vitamin C and vitamin A.
I did not like beets for years. Lately, I trained myself to like them. Beets contain TMG (trimethylglycine) which is a feel-good phytochemical that is important in the methionine cycle. V8 is a convenient, delicious way to get a serving of beets.
I declare that today is going to be happy and joyous.