Tuesday, September 25th, Day Twenty-One, Fatigue

Tuesday, September 25th, Day Twenty-One, Fatigue

 

Morning

 

Weight

 
It has now been three weeks!  My weight this morning is 117.8 pounds.  That is an almost seven pound loss (I started at 124.7).  I am also at my lowest point since I started writing this book.
 

Sleep

 
I slept better last night and feel better today.  I have not yet decided whether to go to the DMV.  I will focus on getting myself better first.   I did not use a sleeping med last night, but I did take a slightly higher dose of my regular medication, the one that helps me sleep.
 

God is on the Throne

 
I belong to a bipolar support group on Facebook.  I do not pay it a great deal of attention, but what I do read is a lot of desperation. Perhaps I sounded like that myself yesterday.  Bipolar disorder is challenging.  It is important though, as I am discovering, to not put my disease on the throne.  God is on the throne.  God helped me get through the day yesterday.  I give Him the glory.
 

Morning Prayer

 
Let me begin this day with a prayer.
 
Dear Lord,
 
I thank you for my success so far in losing weight.  It seems slow, but actually I am making great progress.  Thank you for my restful night of sleep last night and for relieving me of the fear that I am about to go manic.  Thanks for encouraging me to do my meditation and JV Life Tracker last night, even though it was nearly the end of the day.
 
Lord, I talked to the nurse yesterday about my allergy to gasoline.  She thought I should try something over-the-counter like ClaritinÒ.  Would that be worth a trial?  I have always rejected antihistamines because they make me drowsy, but this medicine is supposed to not cause drowsiness.
 
However, it looks like ClaritinÒ, even though it does not cause drowsiness is not designed to relieve the symptom of drowsiness, just sneezing, runny nose, and watery eyes.
 
Lord, last night my best friend from Utah called me.  She said she had been thinking about me.  She said she would pray for me.  Perhaps she did, because I feel so much better today.  What is the best path for me to take today?  Should I drive to the DMV or should I give it another day?
 

Advantages and Disadvantages

 
Let me list the pros and cons.
 
Advantages of Going to the DMV Today
Disadvantages of Going to the DMV Today
1.   Do not put off until tomorrow what you can do today.
1.  Tiredness may set my mental health back.
2.   The plates take five days to be mailed.  I need the plates by Thursday next week for sure.  I could get the plates by Tuesday next week.  That will give me time to get the plates on.
2.  It could take longer to get the plates.  Getting it done today may not be much of an advantage.
3.  I slept well last night, I could probably do it today.
3. That is just probably.
4. I emailed the lady at OfficeMax that I would be there today to pick up the copies.  I want to keep my word.
5. If something goes wrong with say emissions, I may need another day to resolve the situation, so doing it today would be an advantage.
4.  My husband and old beau both thought it would be better if I wait and recover from yesterday.
 
Advantages of Going to the DMV Tomorrow
Disadvantages of Going to the DMV Tomorrow
1.  I could still get the plates by Wednesday, which would probably be soon enough
1.  Wednesday is cutting it close for getting the plates on time.  What if the mail is delayed?
2. It will give me another day to rest.
2. Knowing me, I will not spend much of it resting.  There is no guarantee I will be recovered tomorrow.  What if I have another bad night of sleep tonight?
3. It could set my mental health back just as easily tomorrow.
3.  If go tomorrow, I could put it out of my mind today.
4.  Chances are I will not put it out of my mind today.  I may worry about it all day today, not giving myself any advantage by doing it tomorrow.
4. I could email the lady at OfficeMax again and tell her it will be another day.  She would understand.
 
There is my analysis.  It looks like a no-brainer.  If I can do it today, that would be best.  Now I need to convince my husband that I will be okay if I do it today.
 

Success

 
I got the plates today!  They did not need to be mailed to me, so it did not take five days to get them.  I could have done it tomorrow, but I would have worried, so it is fortunate I did it today.  I did not get the emissions done at Christian Brothers.  Colorado controls its emissions testing, so I drove to their facility.  Luckily it was not too hard to find.
 
I just need to get the plates on the jeep and put the registration inside.  Also, I did not get the lube done or winterize the radiator.  I made an appointment at Christian Brothers to get that done at 8:00 AM on Friday.
 

Lunch

 
I took 45 grams of raw cashews with me on my trip.  I ate them while on the road.  I came home and added some sliced, raw summer squash and dipped it in chipotle Greek yogurt ranch dip.  My husband is clamoring for something more than vegetables.  Yesterday we ate most of our meat.
 
Fire Alarm
 
Our retirement complex warned us that we would be having a fire alarm today.  It was LOUD.  My hyper-acusis (hypersensitive ears) flared up immediately, and my left ear began to ache.  I was so addled, I could not find my keys so I could leave the building.  I finally found them in my purse.  I took refuge in the jeep in the parking lot and waited almost half an hour.  I could still hear the noise from the building.  Upon returning, I visited with the woman who lives across the hall for a few minutes.  She told me about her childhood.   She was very friendly and welcoming.
 
Veggie Fries
 
My husband loves veggie fries.  I bought four different flavors today.  I am baking some of them right now.
 
I got my husband to sign our medical forms.  It is late in the afternoon, so I will take the forms to the medical center tomorrow morning.
 
Now, I am going to relax for a while.  Tomorrow, I will put the license plates on the car.  I have a large screwdriver I brought from Utah that I think will work.
 

Evening

 
I would like to have had more time to write today.  We had our evening meal from the Flyin’ Bee Restaurant.  I did my best to estimate the serving portions.  If all goes well, I will lose weight for tomorrow.
 
I spent a lot of time tonight going through my husband’s backlog of voicemail.  There was even a call from me on our wedding day when I locked myself out of the building when I went outside to let the preacher in!
 
I also spent some time archiving my Gmail and unsubscribing from senders that I am no longer interested in.
 
My mother called today not long after I got back from the DMV.  I was just about ready to take a nap.  She does not call me often.  She depends on me to call her.  I was so tired from driving that she let me go after just a few minutes.
 

Dieting

 
One of the most important keys to success in dieting is to just hang in there with it.  The scale may not show a loss every day.  The key is to lose more on the average than you gain, and the difference only needs to be slight.  If you gain only a pound a year, and most people can gain more than a pound in a day, you will gain 30 pounds over the course of 30 years.  Many people do that.  Christmas time is the hardest for most people.  The average weight gain between Halloween and New Year’s is six pounds.  Most people are scrambling to take off a few pounds at the first of the year.
 
If you lose only a pound a year, you can lose 30 pounds in 30 years.  To offset the holiday weight gain, I have often started a diet at the beginning of December rather than the beginning of January.  I cannot say it has always worked, but I think I have gained less than six pounds during the average holiday season.
 

Hopes

 
Sobriety
Though I have not explicitly said so yet, my husband returned to drinking after sobering up for a while.  I must admit I had my hopes up.  I love my husband whether drunk or sober.  He has twice been completely sober for three years at a time since I have known him.  He has quit countless other times and attended countless meetings.  But now?  I do not know.  When he sobers up, he becomes very agitated with his anxiety disorder.  Wine calms him.  I hope for his sobriety, but I live to be happy whatever happens.
 
Twelve Steps and Spirituality
In Al-Anon, we do not attend for our alcoholic loved one.  We attend for ourselves.  We practice the Twelve Steps of Al-Anon ourselves.   I believe it is only through my spirituality that I will stay sane and work out the challenges in my situation.
 
Big Four and Writing
What is my best course going forward?  It seems to be working to do my Big Four:  Cronometer, meditation, JV Life Tracker, and my journal every day.  I enjoy writing this book and posting it to my blog.
 
Get Myself Out There
I may be tempted to think that no one is going to read this, but if I get myself out there, I may be surprised.  I remember once playing a Disney medley on the piano for a talent show at a church group.  I was not entirely happy with the way I played.  One woman who attended praised my playing and said it inspired her to be in the talent show the next year.  We just never know the effects of our actions.  Could it be that, “If you build it, they will come.”?
 
Relieve Driving Fatigue
My hope is that I can do something about getting so tired when I drive.  The nurse at the medical center suggested ClaritonÒ, but I want to explain my symptoms more fully before getting a prescription.  At least one person said it is anxiety.  I tense up, grip the steering wheel, and that makes me fatigued.  What is really happening is a mystery to me.  It is very disabling.
 
Fortunately today, while I was actually driving, I was very alert.  It was only after I got home that I felt like taking a nap.  It could be that my body goes into a hyper-alert state, which is fatiguing afterwards.  The hyper-alert state could trigger adrenaline, one of the stress hormones.
 
If I could train myself to be relaxed while driving, that may be all I need.  I have never been in a serious accident, but as a high school senior, I drove the family van to school, and it caught on fire in the school parking lot.  I rushed inside to find a fire extinguisher, but I could not.  I went back out to the parking lot to see a small crowd gathered around the van, putting out the fire.  Fortunately the damage was repairable.  It got me into hyper-alert mode though, starting at a young age.  For me, driving is always a life or death experience.
 
There were other incidents in my youth that put me on high alert while driving.  I will not describe them all tonight.  They are kind of embarrassing.
 
Medical Care
What other hopes do I have?  I am hoping to get medical care from a primary care physician soon.  The medical center in the clubhouse is a possibility.  However, they may not be willing to see me.  I am glad I finished getting the forms filled out today, so I can start the process tomorrow.
 
Gain Knowledge from Health Challenges
An important hope, of course, is to be healthy.  I realize though that it is the nature of being human to have a few flaws.  Flaws are what make us valuable, as we are all one-of-a-kinds.  I think rather than expecting to never suffer anything, I want to learn how to recover from whatever happens.  That way I will gain knowledge and be able to help other people as well.  If I was immune to everything, I would never learn anything.  I am grateful that we as individuals do not have every disease.  That would be too much to recover from!

 

Marriage

 
I could wonder at myself for getting married to my husband, but I look at it as a learning opportunity.  So far I have already learned a lot!  I have had to be almost as independent as a single person.  Marriage has given me the chance to serve.  So far I have been a nurse, car maintenance person, counselor, cook, cup bearer, driver, laundress, singer, dancer, receptionist, spiritual advisor, seamstress, secretary, and detective.
 
Fortunately, my husband makes things easier for me.  Tonight I did not have to cook.  I got groceries today and did not even have to drive to the store.
 
It is 8:43 PM.  I just brushed my teeth with sensitive teeth toothpaste mixed with essential oils.  I spent time with my husband.  He is dreading the coming of night.  When I go to sleep, he gets very lonely.  I am not capable of staying up all night for him and keeping my sanity as well.  He does not sleep well.  He ran out of his sleep meds and still does not have a primary care physician.  I am not sure how he is going to cope until he gets one.  I hope I can cope.  That is one reason I have been pressing him so hard to get a physician soon.
 

Evening Prayer

 
Dear Lord,
Success!  I got the plates today.  I just need to put them on the jeep.  I am tired tonight, but I am at peace.
 
Bless me with restful sleep tonight.  Bless my husband with the same.  Help us to get a primary care physician soon.  Help me to gain the wisdom that will bring healing into my life.
 
Thank you for my safety on the road today.  Fortunately, the roads here are not as congested as they are in Utah.  The speed limits are lower here; that helps.  Help me to be more relaxed while driving.  Being on high alert may cause me to be fatigued after driving.  Help me to figure out the causes and solutions for my driving fatigue, Lord.  Since my husband does not drive, it puts a lot of responsibility on me.
 
The nurse at the medical center said my nausea could be the altitude.  She reminded me to drink lots of water.  I have to do that anyway, but it is possible since my kidneys do not concentrate urine very well that I am still not drinking enough.
 
Lord, thank you for this beautiful place.  I thank you for my friendly next door neighbor.  It appears that she wants to befriend me.  Help me to be a good friend to her.  Her patio door is right next to the building entrance.  She said if I ever get locked out of the building to knock on her patio door, and she will let me in.
 
Please bless my readers.  Help them find wisdom for their own healing.
 
Lord, fill me with your love.  My intention is to be forgiving of every one.  Forgiving myself is perhaps the hardest.  I sometimes ruminate on my mistakes. Spiritual teacher Matt Kahn teaches that nothing we have ever done is a mistake.  That could be true.  We could think it was a mistake for you to choose Judas Iscariot.  In your glorious plan, it was not a mistake.  Everything we do fits into your glorious plan.  You have everything mapped out with all the recalculations for our ‘mistakes’.  I have faith that the destiny of mankind is beyond words.
 
I believe you have amazing things in store for all of us.  Help me to have faith that you will fulfill your plan.  My husband is doubtless eager for me to join him.  Thank you for our love.  I know I have your ear.  Tomorrow will be another blessed day.  
 
Amen.
 
 

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