Thursday, October 4th, Day Thirty

Thursday, October 4th, Day Thirty

 

Morning

 
I still have not decided what to do about my Cadillac.  I have to decide what to do today.  I need to get my husband home today and go to counseling.  I talked to him about rehab last night, and for the first time since I have been here, he has been willing to talk about it.
 

Cadillac

 
After muscle testing the situation, I decided I will leave my Cadillac in Utah after all.  My niece has not yet purchased her plane ticket back to Utah from Colorado, and she thinks it may be best to leave my car where it is.  Mom can put it on her insurance with herself as a driver.  I can take it off our Colorado policy and cancel the parking stall we have reserved for it.  I will not have to bother registering it in Colorado, at least for now.
 
I originally bought that car with Mom in mind.  She was missing her own Cadillac, and I wanted to make her feel better.  I was thinking of having her lease my Cadillac from me, but she did not want to.  I was manic then, and my judgment (prefrontal cortex) was impaired.  Mom tried to help me take the Cadillac back to the dealer.  The dealer would take it back, but only if it was discounted $9500.  I ended up keeping the car.  Less than two years later, I paid it off.
 

Blog

 
I hope to carry on with this blog, but it may not be possible to be as regular.  You will hear from me again though.  Just stay tuned.  I hope you will enjoy reading this travel log from the beginning.
 

Afternoon

 

Emergency Room

 
The emergency room kept my husband overnight then admitted him to the hospital today.  His heart rate was very high.  They wanted to stabilize his withdrawal symptoms.  What good will that do? He will just drink when he gets home.  He said he does not want to quit.  I got away from the emergency room long enough to go to counseling.  I forgot to mention the visualization for my freeway anxiety to my counselor.  I returned home, tried to nap, and did not get to sleep.
 
I am tired and wired.  That must be high beta brain waves.  It appears that my husband is going to drink himself into the grave.  That has happened to other people I am sure.  Fortunately he is sweet to me.  The nurse at the emergency room said he was very sweet.
 

Prayer For Guidance

 
Dear Lord,
 
What should I do?  Should I go over to the hospital?  Or should I stay here for a while?  I hoped to sleep, but I cannot.  My eating has gotten out of control.  This is just more stress than I can manage. I need a primary care doctor.  I hoped to get one here at the Medical Center, but they do not treat non-residents.  I cannot even live here.   My husband is afraid I may go back to Utah.  If he will provide me a place to live, I will stay with him.  I even invited him to go back to Utah with me, but he does not want to go.
 
Lord, did I make a mistake in getting married?  I did not think so, but I never expected things to escalate like this.  Fortunately, for now I have clothes in my closet, a roof over my head, and food in my kitchen.
 
My husband’s password file got lost in his move to Colorado.  With his help, I have been able to hack some of his accounts, which allowed me to pay the bills.  I think I have all the bills paid now.  That gives me some peace of mind.
 
Lord, I need more peace of mind.  I know my husband is not going to live forever, so I have already accepted the fact that he will die.  I want it to be later rather than sooner, but let me accept it at any time.  He is 75 and not in good health.  He wants me to bury him in Utah near his parents and then rest in peace beside him when I am finished.  How I will get his body to Utah I do not know.  Is that too much to worry about right now, Lord?  Or should I start calling people and asking questions?
 
I feel I should go to the hospital now.  Lord, let me be safe, peaceful, and happy.
 

Evening

 

Home Again

 
I am home again.  My visit was safe and peaceful, if not terribly happy.  I enjoyed the nurse’s personality.  I just feel that her efforts will go to waste as soon as my husband returns home.  I broached the subject of what we should do for living arrangements with my husband, but he ignored my questions.  I guess my timing was off.  Hopefully we can discuss it soon.
 
They are keeping him in the hospital tonight.  I managed to come home before it got too late.

 

Blood Cleaned

 
I came home this afternoon to find that the bloody mess in the bathroom from last night had been cleaned by Special Projects.  Bless them.  I am alone tonight, but I am at peace.  My husband did not want me to drive home because I was so tired.  I thought I had better leave before it got too late, so I would not be too tired to drive.
 

Memory

 
I walked straight back to the jeep from the hospital.  Usually I have a little difficulty remembering where I have parked, especially if I am starting to get manic.  Today I had no difficulty.  I also got home without the help of a GPS and did not make any wrong turns.  The improvement in my ability may be partly from what I learned from the book Unlimited Memory by Kevin Horsley.  I am more mindful of where I am going now and make mental movies about it.
 
I always thought I had a pretty good memory, but I have not applied it very well to where I am going and where I have parked.  Many years ago, I went to the mall while I was manic, and I had to have security help me find my car.  My short-term memory was so impaired I could not remember where I had looked for my car, let alone where I had parked it.
 
 

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