Thursday, November 22nd, Day Seventy-Nine, Stress on Thanksgiving Day
If you would like to join me in this journey from the beginning, please start with Day One.
Fortunately, I do not have to cook a Thanksgiving feast. However, Thanksgiving Day is still fraught with stress.
Lord, I am grateful this Thanksgiving Day, for the bounty I have in my life. This month and last, I was stressed and tired and could not bring myself to drive back and forth to the rehab center every day. With money I had in the bank, I was able to use the Lyft service to taxi myself back and forth, saving myself a lot of stress and having engaging conversations along with way with the Lyft drivers. I got through that stressful period of time, and now my husband is home again.
I am grateful that I could afford a stylish burgundy winter coat that fits me perfectly. The coat arrived just as I needed it for the cold snap we had in October.
I am grateful for Jacque, my neighbor, who has given me a whole new wardrobe of fall and winter clothing. When she gives me clothes, she also gives me hangers for them, which helps because I am short of hangers.
I am grateful for the food we have here, even though I have not yet learned to always regulate my consumption to my needs. I have not been hungry, and the variety has been awesome. To their credit, the Fireside Restaurant serves a lot of fruits and vegetables.
Lord, I am grateful for my computer too. We were able to get it fixed on September twenty-seventh, and it has been running great since. Not only that, but I was able to acquire a laptop computer, which is also running great. I lost the adapter, but got another one November twentieth.
I am grateful for this warm residence with all its conveniences. I am especially glad my husband is able to buy a condo for us with his hard-earned cash.
Lord, with all that I have, why do I sink into depression at times? Why do I get impatient with my husband? He is giving me a condo! Part of it is fatigue I am sure. Though I have mostly recovered from chronic fatigue syndrome, I still have it, and it flares up during times of stress.
Lord, I am grateful for Cronometer. I have not used it everyday, but when I do, little miracles happen. Will you help me to be more faithful with it? I have even been able to use it when I eat at the Fireside Restaurant. When I used Cronometer, I managed to lose a little weight, even when eating out, which is an incredible feat. When I do not use it, my weight jumps up and up, and I seem to lose control of it.
Lord, I am grateful for my husband. His disability is hard to accommodate, but I have learned so much. I am still learning ways of coping and helping. He is learning things too. He did not think he needed handlebars for the toilet, but he did. Now he can go without my aid, which reduces my stress considerably. The shower chair allows him to take showers, where it would have been impossible. There are probably dozens of other techniques we could use. I pray my husband will be open to trying new things.
Lord, I am grateful I have a voice. According to a message I received from Google today, 101 people have seen my review of the rehab center, where I complained about their dropping a message I left there for my husband. Google said people liked my review. I got some backlash from the review, which caused me some stress, even though I had changed it from one star to four stars. Communication is important to me, so I did not retract my story. I wanted to cause a change in the management to prevent an occurrence like that from ever happening to anyone else. I think my review made a difference. If I want to use my voice, I can do it again.
I reviewed Europtics on Monday in return for their favor of repairing my husband’s eyeglasses. They would like my repeat business as well. We are moving, so that may not work for us. However, I think a favorable review is adequate payment for what they did, perhaps more than adequate. Reviews really count.
Thanksgiving Day Feast
We went to the holiday brunch for Thanksgiving.
I visited with Jacque on the way home. She showed my husband around her residence. It was perfectly tidy and well-decorated as always.
The Stress of a Verbal Battle
My husband and I had a verbal battle this afternoon. He asked me to do something I felt he could do himself when I was exhausted. He complained, started swearing at me, and asked me to leave the residence. Stressed, I rested up a bit, then left. After returning, I talked to him long and hard about my need to say no to him sometimes when I am too exhausted to respond right away. He stonewalled me rather than responding.
Eventually, he said he could take no for an answer. He is resting still. I am gradually wearing down more and more from the stress of taking care of him and having to move. The weeks of uncertainty about where I was going to go wore me down too. When my husband decided to buy a condo, that helped, but now there is the stress of moving.
A Year of Stress
It is possible that I have adrenal gland burnout. I do not drink coffee, which is a common cause. However, I have been through so much stress. This year, I had a major three-and-a-half month depressive episode, fell on the concrete on my hands and knees, moved out-of-state, left almost all my possessions behind, gave up several boyfriends, married a retired, disabled, alcoholic spouse, had trouble getting my medicine on time, experienced computer failure while working on a blog, got kicked out of my husband’s residence for being too young, followed my spouse to the emergency room, hospital, and rehab center, gained over fifteen pounds, experienced strange medical symptoms and overwhelming fatigue, and had car problems–all while trying to maintain my stability in my bipolar condition. Those are just the major things. The day-to-day stress of caring for my husband has taken a toll on me. Today is a day to be grateful. I am glad I have gotten through most of this, but I am sick from stress. What can I do? Are there any experts who can guide me through this?
Rodiola for Stress?
I thought rodiola might help. Rodiola is a Russian herb that can relieve the fatigue caused by stress. Recently, I opened a bottle of rodiola. I broke the outer seal to find the inner seal was already broken. My husband suggested tossing it, just to be safe. My husband has some rodiola blended with other herbs he is not using. Perhaps I should use that. But how much would be enough? Does it do enough to really make a difference. I feel good part of the time. Would I attribute that to the rodiola falsely?
Maybe you, my reader, know the answer to these questions. If you do, please leave comments. I took some rodiola and ashwagandha. Maybe that will help.
What Else Could Help?
My mentor Michael always said, “Don’t think you’re going to find the answer outside of yourself.” He may be right: the answer probably lies within, but where? Do I just need to pray more? I have tried praying night and day. That can lead me straight into mania. My old boyfriend in Utah thought I should get more involved socially. I do get involved socially to a degree, but socialization does not solve the problem of being exhausted. It seems to make me more exhausted. My neighbor, Jacque, suggested memorizing Bible chapters.
Sleep Might Help
My mother thinks more sleep would help. It probably would, but how can I get it? The last few days I have slept more. Last Sunday I slept most of the day. That helped for a few days, but then I started missing sleep again.
I need to get more sleep at night. I think I like to get up early in the morning because my husband and phone calls do not interrupt my writing. That is a great thing, but I have been cutting my hours of sleep short. So do I have to choose between my writing and my sleeping?
Getting more sleep might help my writing. I will have a more positive mood, and my mood gets into my writing. It looks like I will just have to find the time to write from some other source than my sleeping hours. I know. I could cut out the time I spend worrying about things. If I catch myself worrying, I can stop in order to prevent myself from wasting time.
I wrote my health coach this evening and described some of the stress I am under. I do not know whether she will even write back. However, she encouraged me to write, so there is a fairly good chance I will get a reply. Whether she can help my situation I do not know. I did not even mention that my husband had some drinks the past few days. Thankfully, he drank no alcohol today.
My eating behavior today was like that of a typical Thanksgiving. I will have to reform my habits starting tomorrow. I fixed boca burgers, veggie fries, and chocolate ice cream for supper. For brunch, we had Denver omelettes, turkey, shrimp, and all the trimmings of Thanksgiving. I did avoid pumpkin pie, choosing a no-sugar-added pumpkin pudding instead. The young servers displayed the shrimp with a huge ice sculpture of a horse.
It is approaching bedtime. I have been typing for hours, and my hands and wrists are a little sore. My husband and I had a good time together for supper. We shared a plate of food and bowl of ice cream.
Cannot Keep Up with My Husband’s Demands
What can I do about the fact that I cannot keep up with my husband’s demands? When he starts swearing at me and tells me to leave the residence, I get concerned about the strength of our marriage. How much abuse can I take? I think the problem is that he thinks I am just being obstinate or worse, trying to torture him. The reality is that I am exhausted from stress. Often, the only way to fulfill his demands is to drum up some adrenaline and force myself to do it. Then I get more burned out from stress hormones. As I force myself more and more to keep going, my health gets worse and worse. Instead of losing the fifteen pounds I set out to lose, I have gained. I do not really know what to do to turn things around. I have never been under so much stress before. This situation is unprecedented.
I had a nice conversation with my husband last night before we went to sleep. Things are far from being resolved, but we can be pleasant with each other again. Perhaps that will last until I get too exhausted to serve him again. I want to be hopeful though that we made progress with our conversations yesterday.
I am up early again, even though I was determined to sleep longer. I tried getting back to sleep this morning, but lying there made me feel achy and depressed, and I could not get back to sleep. We are still sleeping on the floor. My email to my health coach came back. It had the wrong return address. I am not sure whether to resend it. Maybe I can relieve my stress without her help.
My weight this morning was a pound less than yesterday, which was very surprising. I do not think that has ever happened after Thanksgiving. I could have been constipated yesterday morning. Maybe I did not gorge as much as I thought yesterday. I typically get indigestion on Thanksgiving, and yesterday I did not. The situation presents an opportunity to start fresh and do my best to continue on with my goals, even in the face of incredible stress.