Sunday, September 30th, Day Twenty-Six, Fatigue
Instead of losing weight, I am gaining. Let me recommit myself rather than making excuses.
I am glad today is a day of rest. I do not have any appointments today.
I can fast until noon. That will increase my release of glucagon and burn up my glycogen stores.
I am gradually catching up the entries I had not posted by the time my computer died. I have 17 entries posted so far of 25. I have eight entries to catch up. I set a goal to do two a day, but I am doing well to do one. If I persist with one-a-day, I can catch up in eight days.
Now that he has had his seventy-fifth birthday, my husband thinks he has just completed 74 years. He has actually completed 75 and is starting his seventy-sixth year. I did not convince him of that however. I did not try long. I just asked him to think about it. I sang him a good morning song.
I feel a bit worn out, especially from my sleep trouble. I have been a bit hypomanic. Tomorrow I must get some lithium. That is very important. I have a morning appointment to lube the jeep and check the radiator. Afterwards, I can drive to Littleton and resolve the medication issue. I am a bit concerned that I will be too tired to do all that, even in the morning. I do not want to be too concerned on this day of rest, but perhaps I will get some insight about how to handle that.
When I am manic, I feel no fatigue at all. I stay up all day and all night. I go and go and go. The fact that I feel fatigue is probably a good sign. I am still functioning somewhat normally. Planning my trips in advance is probably a good sign too. When I am manic, I just follow my whims without planning anything. So, thank God, I am still in control, even though I do not enjoy the feeling of fatigue. I have never thought of being grateful for my fatigue, but I am this morning.
Also, I have been gaining weight. If I was manic, I would be losing precipitously. I did not think I would ever be grateful for gaining weight, but today I am. You can probably see why the mind pushes towards mania. The mind does not want to feel fatigue; it wants to lose weight; it does not want to sleep long hours; it wants to feel euphoric. Consequently, the mind tells the body to stop taking its medication, and boom, full-blown mania results. It has happened to me more times than I care to count. Every time it was costly and a huge embarrassment.
Non-compliance with medication may puzzle the medical establishment and family, but it makes sense to the patient. I think the problem may be an addiction of sorts. Those who have bipolar are addicted to how they feel when hypomanic or manic.
Just for today, I am going to be grateful I have gained weight and feel fatigue.
I decided to have some breakfast–just a bit of brown rice and almond milk. I probably should have protein with that or I could experience an insulin spike.
There. I got some protein (Orgain) and fat (nuts) and brought my calorie total to 409. My breakfast is Zone balanced with 41% fat. That should work well for me. My omega-6 to omega-3 ratio is 5.5. It would be better at less than 4.0, but I can work it down later with some fish oil.
Unfortunately, Orgain has not released data on that ratio, so I cannot be sure just how it is affecting it. Orgain has ingredients that contain omega-3, but I do not believe they are using whole foods. Using processed products has its disadvantages. Use whole foods as much as possible. Cronometer has done a good job of including a very complete nutritional profile of many whole foods in its data base.
There. With three grams of fish oil, the omega-6/omega-3 balance is 2.9. Let me check that balance over the past four weeks. It is 4.388. That is a little more than 4.0, but I am pleased. One more capsule a day of fish oil would very likely fix that. However, there is a financial cost. Would it be worth it? I could take that up with my Higher Power.
Thank you for this wonderful day in the Lord. Thank you for helping me get quite a lot of sleep last night, even though it was not perfect.
Lord, I am puzzling over my omega-3 consumption. I understand that omega-3 fatty acids can improve my mood and even help me lose weight. It appears that I am taking almost enough to meet a recommended guideline. However, it appears that it would be beneficial to take one more capsule per day. I get 12 bottles of 90 capsules for $309. That means each capsule is 28.6 cents. That times 30.5 days per month is $8.73 per month. That is a significant cost. Would it be worth it?
I just tracked fish oil in my food log for the last four weeks and found that I have only been taking 2.04 capsules per day on the average. I thought I was taking three. So, I do not need to increase my daily intake to four. I just need to take three.
Thank you for inspiring me to analyze my food log. My actual consumption of fish oil for the past four weeks is less than I thought. It looks like I need to consistently take three capsules per day. Then my ratio will most likely be in the recommended range.
So, that is settled. My husband says, “If you want it, get it.” Today he is in a good mood. I asked, “Do you want me to talk to you for a while?” He responded, “You do what you want. I want you warm. I want you comfortable. That is how it is.”
So, I have license to write, which is what I want to do.
My husband and I had Communion together. I am ready to commit myself to God and my husband.
It is 9:16 AM. I could get dressed, take a walk, and check the mailboxes one more time to see if my medicine has come.
My medications were in the mailbox! That was cutting it close. I am so glad! I now have 90 days’ worth of everything. Perhaps my calling the crisis line yesterday was not necessary, but now I know I have an option I was not aware of. I will not have to go to Littleton tomorrow, which will save my energy considerably. What a relief!
I have posted three back entries today. I was thinking if I could do one, it would be a good day. My goal of getting this blog caught up is within reach.
My husband and I will soon go for a ride with his chair! He has been reluctant to do that, but after all the fun yesterday, he has been more open to getting out.
We toured the beautiful, gorgeous dining room in the Club House. There is no supper there tonight because it is Sunday. I noticed computers and a printer available for the residents. That would have saved me a couple of trips to OfficeMax.
I am so happy right now. My husband is flying! He has gotten out of our residence! We even stopped by the closed medical center, where I will be taking him Tuesday. All of that stress about that is dissolving away. I do not even think I will need to call Dispatch for help.
I am eating an easy dinner of brown rice and almond milk. I have a few more calories left in my budget. I may add an egg or two.
My husband is getting mentally prepared for the financial stress of making me an official resident. He has made some comments that indicate he is willing to go ahead. I welcome that also. I may be able to help, but I cannot take on the entire bill. I depend on my husband.
Wow! My husband asked me if I wanted to go for a walk, another one. We went down to the dining room, and I sat on the plush sofa. Residents and staff all around greeted us. It was mostly quiet because there is no meal service tonight.
We have started another chapter of our journey. My husband will now get out, at least within the retirement complex. We may even eat in the dining room soon. We checked what times the Flying Bee serves their meals throughout the week. We have had meals delivered to our residence, but I have yet to eat in the dining room. Maybe it will make up for the lack of having a dining room table. The dining room tables are set with tablecloths and cloth napkins. Curtains are all around the spacious room. A grand piano sits, waiting for its players. It is really nice.
Pushing a transport chair is an exercise for my arms. Being left-handed, my right arm is weaker, so it gets a little sore. That exercise is a way to work my upper and lower body at the same time, which is advantageous, just as long as I do not overdo it.
I have yet to time the walk to get an idea of how much distance we cover. My husband kept saying, “If you want to sit, sit.” The bridges between the buildings have air-conditioners on them. I thought perhaps they are now heaters, but I felt them and discovered they were cold. Fortunately, I had a sweater on.
Both my husband and I are very tired tonight. I would go to bed early, but that will probably result in waking early, and I do not want to get up in the middle of the night. I do have an appointment for the jeep tomorrow at 9:30 AM though, so I do want to arise fairly early.
My mood is holding up better than it did yesterday. Of course, it is still only 7:00 PM. If I need an extra l-tryptophan, I will get one.
I did. It is now 7:58 PM. I feel mostly peaceful–just some tiredness and back and neck pain.
I laid down by my husband on the living room floor for a few minutes. I scored my JV Life Tracker. Then I talked him into a three-minute meditation, The Settling Moment by Tom Foulstone in Insight Timer. The meditation reduced my back and neck pain.
Another day is waning here in Colorado. Today my husband asked me if I wanted to take a walk with him. He is finally getting out of the residence! The birthday walk yesterday initiated the change.
I still feel overwhelmed by his need for care. It is a good thing I am relatively young. Now that I am committed to him, I feel a sense of duty and even sacrifice. I believe it will be for my good. Please strengthen me. Give me courage.
Lord, my mood sinks in the evening sometimes. Help me not just to repair it; help me to prevent that. It is nearly bedtime now. I helped my husband into bed. We spent some time together. I told him I would wait until he is asleep before getting ready for bed. He does not think he will sleep. He will.
I am currently fasting until breakfast, but I am ravenous. I am starting to feel discouraged about my weight loss plans. Help me to use wisdom about what to do. Perhaps I cannot reasonably return to the weight I was before. Or is that just a limiting belief?
Lord, I may relent and go in the bedroom. My husband said again that he would try not to wake me up. For now I will pray. I had a glass of almond milk to take the edge off my hunger. I do not know what effect that will have.
Lord, I posted five entries today. That is my maximum ever. What do you think of what I have written so far? You have whispered to me so many times to write. Now I am fulfilling your command. You can guide me on how to garner readers. Making a large quantity of quality posts is the talent I am refining at present.
Lord, I ate a pear. That may be too much to effect a weight loss, but I certainly feel better. The sugar is going to my brain and making it feel good. I realize I am addicted, but at least I am getting some nutrition with my sugar! I got 5414 mg of potassium today. That is probably a record of some kind.
Lord, I feel a bit self-conscious sharing my prayers in this manner, and yet I feel a sense of mission about it too. I hear snoring, and it is not even 10:00 PM yet! Praise God! I can go to bed. Before I do, Lord, thank you for overseeing my life. Thank you for blessing me with the challenging disorder of bipolar. I still have not completely mastered it, but it is teaching me so much. I never thought I would be grateful for it, but I am in a way.
I was only 26 calories over-budget for yesterday. I lost 1.1 pounds this morning. I am still heavier than my lowest weight, but I am moving in the right direction!