Sunday, January 27th, Day 145, Self-Image
I sometimes tack a sequel onto my entries. This is a prequel.
If you would like to join me in this journey from the beginning, please start with Day One.
Time to Write
Obviously, I am getting some time away from bedroom duty to write. I celebrate that quietly. My husband has been spending a lot of time watching TV, which frees me up considerably.
I kept a complete log in Cronometer today and got 100% of my target nutrients. Cronometer messes up the input focus again, so I may need to write them about it again.
Weight in Kilograms
I decided to record my weight in kilograms instead of pounds because if my husband asks what my weight is, and I have lost quite a bit, he may get worried. My weight in kilograms was 56.4 kg this morning. I want to lose down to 50 kilograms. Losing 6.4 kilograms does not seem like a big weight loss, even though it is quite substantial.
Figure Skating Championships
Last night my husband and I watched the World Figure Skating Championships. A young girl of 13 (born August 8, 2005) named Alysa Liu won. She was the youngest to have ever won that title. After her free skate, she cried while getting off the rink. Her emotions must have simmered over after all the stress and expectation she was under. Psychologically though, she seemed tough. She was there to win, not just to make a statement about being so young.
I use a desktop program called Goalscape. Goalscape was founded by an Olympic coach and can run on OSX or Windows. It graphically displays an outline, showing goals and sub-goals in concentric circles holding as many levels as your computer’s memory will hold. I set up a group of Goalscapes with the central one being, “An Authentic You”. Surrounding that is a linked Goalscape file for each facet of my life, and I keep thinking of more facets. Perhaps I can use it as a tool to polish my self-image.
I love the program, but unfortunately, it is a bit challenging for my eyes. However, doing it about 15 minutes a day is safe. As a coach to yourself, you can define your major goal areas and then break them down into as many sub-goals and sub-goals of those goals as you wish. Goalscape can also be used to make sequences of goals.
I admit that when I used Goalscape extensively, I had way too many goals. However, I was able to keep a lot of them going because I was single at the time. Now that I am married, I could perhaps use the tool some more and use more focus.
My Central Goal
So, what is my central goal? Is it to be the authentic me again? By defining my goals, I am also defining my self-image. How can I polish my self-image a bit? I want to be able to grow in ways that make me a me that I like better and better. I may even want to do what Dr. Joe Dispenza offers–break the habit of being myself. I may want to be an all-new me.
Before I do that, I think I like a lot of the old me. So before I go for a new me, I want to examine what I like about the old me. However, I think I will select a new adjective besides ‘authentic’. What will it be?
Authentic to Angelic
I thought of a possibility: ANGELIC. My husband says I am an angel to him. My central circle in Goalscape can be: An Angelic Me. There. My self-image has just gone through a face-lift from “An Authentic Me” to “An Angelic Me.” Now that I think of it, I have done many angel-like things in my life. The angelic me is authentic. I could have done many more angel-like things had ‘angelic’ been a part of my self-image. Now that I have made this change, what does it mean?
I will have to grow into this a bit. A lady once told me I had the touch of an angel. Another lady told me I was very peaceful. See how one adjective triggers memories that “confirm” my self-image?
It is now 2:11 AM. My husband needs help to get to the bathroom again, so I have been up in the night with him. I do not feel so angelic, having consumed a lot of ice cream before bed last night. However, looking over my past, I have been very disciplined. I could get upset about having to get up in the night, but instead I think I will be angelic about it. I was awake anyway because I dressed too warmly last night for bed, and I could not sleep well.
Defining Current Goal Areas While Refining My Self-Image
Probably, my most important goal area right now is my marriage. Those of you who follow this blog know that so far my short marital relationship has stretched me. I started this blog just three weeks after our wedding day. I love my husband more every day, but taking care of him has been demanding. If anything has developed my angelic qualities, it has been maintaining my patience through everything, some of which has been described on this blog. Besides a relationship with my husband, my marriage involves a myriad of management tasks such as taking care of the condo and jeep, getting and handling the mail, taking out the trash, doing the shopping and cooking, keeping up the laundry, etc.
Secondly is my writing. Writing is an important part of my self-image. I have written 141,533 words so far on this journey since I started on September 5th, Day One. I have posted frequently since then. Now I am thinking of ways to promote my writing. I believe that my writing is of value and plan to continue.
Thirdly is my physical self-care, including my weight loss efforts. However, I have been cautious not to sacrifice my mood and energy while dieting. That was built into my plans from the beginning. Sometimes, I have had to do a mood lift, whether it was to eat something, drink gingered lemonade, take l-tryptophan for a mood lift, go through the emotional guidance scale, sing and/or dance, or say a prayer. Hopefully, my comments about these things have been uplifting to my readers.
Fourthly is my spiritual development. I find comfort in prayer and some times in recording my prayers. It may seem to show lack of humility to record something as sacred as a prayer, but greats of the Bible recorded their prayers. I do not know how I would have gotten through the past few months without the aid of prayer, both my own prayers and those my neighbor Jacque offered for me when I visited her.
Fifthly is my intellectual development. Right now, I am studying Unlimited Memory by Kevin Horsely and learning the fundamentals of using systems to organize information that I want to store in memory long-term. I am also re-reading Maxwell Maltz’s classic self-help book Psycho-Cybernetics which describes the success mechanism we all have built into our bodies and brains. I am continuing my study of HTML and WordPress, so I can tweak my blog entries. For years, I have kept a list of all the books I have read throughout my life.
Sixthly is to be happy. I read Sonja Lyubomirsky’s book The How Of Happiness upon the recommendation of a counselor. She outlines twelve areas of activity that promote happiness. I have been working to get these twelve areas into my long-term memory with one of Kevin Horsley’s systems, so I can focus on them whenever the opportunity arises. Gratitude is especially important to remember daily.
It is still very early, 3:58 AM. I probably should not write through the wee hours of the morning, but my mind has been focused on giving my self-image a face lift. If I focus on what I am doing and forget what I omit, I feel pretty good about myself. Though my self-worth does not depend on my performance, my self-image is affected by what I do. I feel it is wise for me not to try doing a bit of a zillion different things in a vain effort to keep up with what everyone else is doing. I am only one person. It is time to focus. I have outlined six areas of focus. What do You think of my list?
Thanks for saying You love it. You have been with me all along. My conception of You has changed. However, that has all been part of my growth. What do you think of my using the word ‘angelic’ to describe the overall me?
Lord: You are much more than that. You are a queen.
I do not know that I like the adjective ‘queenly’ though. I could say royal.
Lord: No. Just say queen.
A Queen Me.
Would that work better for my self-image?
Lord: Yes, it would.
I have been told I am a queen. Another woman said I reminded her of Queen Esther.
Of course, there have been a lot of wicked queens. Heavenly angels are not wicked.
Lord: You are a powerful queen. You are mine.
Lord, I depend on the Bible for what I believe about myself.
To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne. (Rev 3:21 KJV)
So what does it mean to overcome?
Lord: You are overcoming.
Lord, I am trying.
Lord: No, you are doing.
Lord, I want to have some influence in the world, influence for good. I want to turn people to You or at least make them feel glad they have chosen You. What can I do in that regard?
Lord: Everything you are doing and more. I will guide you.
I want to guide people into happiness. I think You are the author of happiness. I tried to live without You for a time, but it was not the way of happiness. Now that I have returned to You and found happiness, I want to live for You and with You.
Lord: You can and you do.
What is my next step?
Lord: Love others.
Thank You for Your reminder to always do that. Does my self-image need any more of a face lift?
Lord: I do not think so. Just remember who you are to me.
Seek the Lord
It is now 5:23 AM. My husband is sleeping. I have just polished my self-image. Sharing my conversations with the Lord is a little gutsy, but I have been working on having courage. Some people may consider answers to prayers too sacred to reveal. This was true in the religion of my birth, which I have rejected. Other Christian faiths seem more open about the need to have a relationship with the Lord, and their adherents seem more willing to talk about their friendship with Christ.
To me, my relationship with the Lord is everything, even more important than the specific religion I may belong to. I believe that my conversations can inspire others to have conversations themselves, and this is what I hope will happen. You may not believe my conversations are of God. I understand that. You may not believe that God reveals Himself in that way. The Bible itself says to seek the Lord, and you will find him. “I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me” (Proverbs 8:17).
“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” (Hebrews 11:6) So, to earn God’s rewards, we first believe He exists and earnestly seek him. I seek His knowledge through study of the Bible and through conversations with Him. I feel I have been rewarded in that. I may share even more as time goes on.
It is now 5:53 AM. I have already composed 2255 words, and the day has not even started yet. Since it is my holy day, I want to devote it to God, as I have already begun to do. I finished off the little ice cream we had left over from last night. And I ate two bananas. That is not really a good start for a day of dieting. However, I will dutifully record it in Cronometer and get myself back on the right foot. I have to guesstimate how much ice cream I ate.
JV Life Tracker
I am scoring JV Life Tracker for yesterday. I checked my weekly scores. I have scores for every day but Thursday last week. I wonder where I was that day. Let me see if I can reconstruct my scores from the information on my blog. There. I did. I got 71 points for the entire week, or 10.14 points on the average.
The previous week, I scored every day but Sunday. I scored 61 points or 10.17 points on the average. That was the week I started this new focused master task list, so I will remember that my birthday is January 14, 2019. It looks like I am doing well at scoring about ten points a day. It is not always the same ten points, but that score is fairly consistent.
If you would like more info or inspiration on using JV Life Tracker, you can consult my free book Joyful Vibrance: Transform Your Body Image, Energy, and Mood. I wrote JV Life Tracker myself.
I told my former counselor about JV Life Tracker. He did not say much about it until later when we were discussing Darren Hardy’s book The Compound Effect. The Compound Effect is about the gigantic effect of doing one activity daily over time. JV Life Tracker can track those activities and aid you in developing consistency. My counselor said that my app was an aid to achieving the compound effect. I believe it can be useful for that.
I will do my meditation recording again.
Meditation is an activity for which there are dividends to doing it daily over time. Doing it once in a while may not make much of a difference, but a consistent practice will literally increase the gray matter of the brain. It will reduce anxiety and depression. At my father’s funeral, one of my ninety cousins asked me what he could do for anxiety. I mentioned meditation. “Could you tell me a substance?” he asked. I said that meditation works just as well. It is actually better because it does not have the side effects of substances and does not cost anything.
Now that I have my Big Four squared away for now, let me think about how I will go about my day.
It is now 10:10 AM. My lack of sleep is catching up to me. I need a nap but cannot take one just now. My husband’s son is coming over today at 10:00 AM, so he will be here any minute.
Weather and Visit
The weather turned colder over the past few hours. Snow is flying. Our visit with my step-son yesterday morning was nice. He brought his four-year-old daughter with him.
I had hoped to take a walk with my husband, and that did not happen yesterday. I asked him to pick a time when he would like to do it. He would not. We used to hike up mountains together. Now he will not even walk down the hall.
My husband is getting unsteady on his feet again. He was doing quite well for awhile. Now he often needs help getting to the bathroom. Or he may crawl to a wall or doorway and get himself up. He refuses to use his walker.
Self-Image and Service
Thinking of my self-image, I could see myself as a caretaker, but the Lord would prefer me to see myself as a queen. How does that translate into my day-to-day living? Have you wondered about that yourself? Maybe your life is changing diapers and night feedings. Maybe it is mopping up spit-up or other spills, or making beds and packing lunches. Is there royalty in all of that?
The Lord was a servant King. He touched lepers, put spittle in the eyes of the blind, provided bread and fish for thousands, and even provided wine for guests. He said that he who is greatest among you is the servant of all. The Lord always did what needed to be done. He taught the difference between the princes of the earth and the Kingdom of God.
So, maybe I need to rethink what I believe a queen is. She is a servant, perhaps not a servile servant though. She is dignified about it, like the Lord was. She is not a mercenary, doing it only for pay. The Lord’s queen will do it out of love for the person(s) being served.
I just tested the new power brush on the vacuum. Even though it is a newer model, it connects in the same way to the vacuum. It works! What a relief it was to see it work the first time! I did not want to have to send it back.