Saturday, October 27th, Day Fifty-Three, My Husband

Saturday, October 27th, Day Fifty-Three, My Husband

Afternoon

 
If you would like to join me in this journey from the beginning, please start with Day One.
 
For the first time in a long time, I slept in this morning.  Writing and posting for yesterday, I made my blog current, and then after breakfast I went back to bed for another nap.  I called the nurses station at the rehab center to let my husband know I would come tomorrow.
 

Groceries

 
I did some online grocery shopping at King Soopers and Costco.  Now I am sipping on diluted km Mineral Supplement.
 
Using Cronometer, I logged my dinner and snack for last night, and my breakfast and lunch for today.  I would take a shower, but I think I will wait until after the groceries arrive.
 

Making My Husband Wait Another Day

 
Today, I feel okay about making my husband wait another day before I visit.  A few days ago, I felt terribly guilty and panicked about that.  I have been there the past three days for most of the day.  Today I need a day to sleep in and take care of myself.  Hopefully, I will only need one day, and I can go tomorrow.
 
What can I do in a single day to enliven myself once again?  Fortunately, I was not as tired yesterday as the day before.  Yesterday I got up at 3:30 AM.  The day before, it was 1:30 AM.  Today I slept in until almost 8:00 AM.  Taking Lyft the past three days has reduced my stress considerably.  I am bit concerned about the cost, but I have decided to budget for it, at least until my husband gets out of the rehab center.
 

When My Husband Comes Home

 
On Thursday, the rehabilitation director said they would make discharge plans for my husband in a week.  Discharge takes at least three days, so it will be at least ten more days from Thursday–eight more days from now.
 
When my husband comes home, it looks like he will be using a walker and wheelchair.  We may need to buy him equipment and install safety rails for him.  The rehab center and home support here at the retirement community can help us get him set up correctly.  I was hoping he would be walking without support by now.  However, realistically that is not going to happen within eight days either.
 

Delivery

 
My King Soopers order came.  The delivery person has delivered here twice before, so we are practically friends now.  A while ago, she coached me on how to roast a whole chicken in a foil roaster pan.  If I was not expecting the Costco order, I would go back to bed.
 

Celebrate, Reflect, and Recommit

 
Let me celebrate and reflect for a moment.  I have now kept this travel log for fifty-two days.  Multiply that by seven, and it will be a year.  If I get serious about losing the fifteen pounds I intend to lose, maybe I could do it in a year; I just have 10.2 pounds to lose.  I will probably need to do better than just cope.  I need to thrive.  I could do something symbolic to recommit myself.
 

Wasting Food

 
I could toss the Snickers bar I got from the Lyft driver last night.  It is sitting on my night table, tempting me.  This time of year is always hard for my diet.  I think it starts with Halloween candy.  If Halloween candy is your nemesis too, you understand.  Okay, it is in the trash. Thursday, I also tossed the sweetened almond milk I bought by mistake.  I drank about half a gallon, and it did not make me feel good.  It just had to go.
 
Perhaps the biggest roadblock for dieters like me is the aversion to wasting food, but food is better in the trash than on the waistline.  If we do not need it for energy or bodily functions, it does not belong in our bodies.  Snickers is marketed as an energy bar, and it is probably better at that than most candy bars, but it is still likely to at least partially end up where I do not want it.  Also, if I eat it, I will be tempted to eat more sweets.
 

Away-From-Home Meals

 
The Costco order came.  An older gentleman delivered it.  Now I can go back to bed.  However, I feel more like typing.  I want to re-program my mind for dieting success.  I have kind of fallen off the wagon the past few weeks.  I let stress get to me.  Also, I am not used to dieting when other people are preparing my food.  I need different strategies than I typically use at home.  If I am going to be of use as an example, I need to broaden my strategy to allow for away-from-home meals because that is the reality so many of us face.  So far, my example has been less than stellar, but let me not give up on myself.  I hope you will not give up on me either.
 

Have to Get It Hot

 
The rotisserie chicken from Costco was still hot.  I tore into a drumstick.  Sometimes I eat fast because I want to eat food while it is still hot.  My husband eats very slowly.  I have often waited two hours for him to finish a meal.  He does not seem to mind if his food and coffee is cold.  Maybe I need a new mantra.  I do not mind if my meal is cold.  I do not mind if my meal is cold.
 

Eating Too Fast

 
What other hang-ups do I have?  I do not want to waste food.  I want to hurry up and eat while the food is hot.  Here is another one.  I grew up with eleven siblings, all of us home at the same time for seven years.  Before all the food disappeared, I would hurry up and eat!  I also ate quickly so I could go down in my room and get away from the noise at the table.
 
Before our family go so big, I ate very slowly.  I would sit in the lunchroom at school.  Everyone in my group would finish.  Another group would come.  They would all finish.  I would still be eating by the time the third group arrived.  That behavior went away in a few years when our family expanded to fourteen.  Why would a behavior from my teenage years still affect me?  Maybe I am still always in a rush to get done eating so I can read or do some project.  Now that I want to blog all the time, that could still be a problem!
 

Nap

 
I slept for about an hour!  It has been so long since I have had a really long, deep nap.  Now I need a nice shower.  I am still feeling a little sleepy.  Wow!  I have been living in high gear for too long.  So far, I have not fallen ill, but stress can do that.
 

Shower

 
I got a shower too!   My neighbor has not yet invited me to dinner, so she may not.  It would be hard to get fixed up before 5:00 PM.  Maybe I will just relax tonight and have some Costco chicken, even though it is going to be cold.
 

Dining

 
I love the dining in this retirement complex.  With a little strategy, it could be conducive to a diet.  However, for now there is a lot of peer pressure to order dessert, which I have not been able to resist.  Also, the restaurant always has a delicious item of bread to pass around, with butter!  The servers put side orders on your place you have not ordered.  However, the last time they did that, I managed to pass it up, even though it got “wasted”.  Most of the people at this retirement community are not overweight.  They may have a few extra pounds, but not many.  Most of them leave a lot of their dinner on the plate, and then they have dessert!
 

Colorado, My Home

 
According to the Internet, Colorado is the leanest state in the United States.  That does not mean there is no obesity here, but it is rare.  My counselor is very lean.  As I said, most of the people in this retirement complex are not overweight.  I am making Colorado my home.  The people here are wonderful.  The mountains, reservoirs, and trees are beautiful.  I have everything I need to make me happy.
 
I miss my husband tonight, but I needed this day of rest.  Probably I do not want to sleep any more before bedtime, but I can go to bed early, maybe about 9:00 PM.
 
Evening
 
My neighbor called and invited me to church tomorrow.  I accepted.  I will need to have my earplugs ready.
 
Tonight I am feeling my backache in a place that has ached off and on for years, maybe since college.  It probably got damaged when I often carried a heavy load of books in a backpack, mostly on one shoulder.  If I would have known how that behavior then would affect me today, I would have been more careful.  Perhaps it is that way with a lot of things.  Our behavior today sets us up for tomorrow.
 

Do Not Allow My Husband to Kill Himself

 
My step-son seems to be very wise.  He has pressed on me the importance of not letting my husband drink any more.  I had the attitude that if he wanted to drink, let him.  After thinking about it some more, I have had some new insight.  Not drinking is actually a matter of life and death to him now.  I could wait for an event serious enough to stop him.  However, that event could easily be fatal.  If someone said, “Shoot me,” I would not do it.  If my husband says, “Get me a drink,” to do so is like letting him kill himself.
 
I remember a renter I had in Utah who took a gun and tried to kill himself.  He said something like, “A kid saw what I was doing and grabbed the gun out of my hand.”  My renter was grateful he was saved by someone who had the courage to tell him no.
 

Evening Prayer about My Husband

 
If I get adverse reaction from my husband about not getting his drinks, I am not sure what I will do.  It could endanger the marriage.  Is it better to be divorced or widowed?  Hopefully he will have the ability to understand.  I think at this point he wants the marriage to continue.  I hope that he wants his life to continue.  He may find a way to get drinks without my intervention.  That will not last long though, because alcohol takes away the ability to do that without my help.
 
Let me pray.
 
Dear Lord,
 
Break My Word?
I agree with my step-son that for the sake of his life, my husband must never drink again.  I have been supportive of his drinking since I came to Colorado, but that has led to his disability and almost to his death.  I am sad about my own role in what has happened and acknowledge it to you.  I thought it was the only way I could have a marriage with my husband.  I left him countless times in the past because he got upset when I refused to get his alcohol.  When we got engaged, I told him I would get his alcohol.  Perhaps it is time to retract my promise, but I gave him my word.  It is okay, in this case, to break my word?
 
Bloodbath is Beyond Words
My husband does not blame me for his disability.  Unfortunately, he does not blame alcohol either.  If I stop getting him drinks, he will likely get upset about it.  How can I deal with his upset?  We had harmony between us when I was serving his drinks with a dance and a smile, but if I continue to do that, he may be dead very soon.
 
He had three head-splitting falls, requiring medical attention, within a month’s time and fell numerous other times within that period.  He is no longer able to walk unaided; he cannot drive.  Cognitively, he has suffered.  The bloodbath is beyond words.
 
What a Dilemma!
My husband could tell me that he married me on condition that I would get his alcohol, because I suspect that he did.  If I go back on my promise, the marriage could be in danger.  If I do not go back on it, his life is in danger.  Is his life or our marriage more important?  What a dilemma this is!
 
Cast a Vote For My Husband’s Life
I think I have to cast a vote for his life and risk the marriage.  Hopefully, the marriage is solid enough to withstand this.  He has said over and over again, “If you leave me, I’m done.”  If he does not stop drinking, he is through too.  It is also possible that my husband loves alcohol more than the marriage and indeed more than his own life.  The problem is that he does not see the danger of alcohol, even after everything that has happened.  He probably never will.  That is the nature of the addiction.
 
Alcohol Rehab for My Husband?
Lord, give me some inspiration.  My step-son and I hoped we could get my husband into alcohol rehab.  My step-son is even willing to pay for it.  It appears that my husband is not going to be strong enough to do that.  The rehabilitation director is talking about sending him home instead.
 
Weigh My Values
I am going to ask you now if I should go back on my word.  That is serious, but it is also serious to let my husband kill himself.  I have to weigh my values.
 
It is Okay
You are counseling me that it is okay to break my word in this instance.  Thank you for giving me that okay.  I realize I risk the marriage, but that is the price of doing business.  If my husband dies, I will not have the marriage anyway.  Now, what can I do to bring about the best possible outcome?
 
Plans
I am planning to go to church tomorrow with my neighbor.  It is an early service, so I probably should go to bed right now.  
 
Amen.      
 

Sunday Morning

 
Unfortunately I did not sleep well last night.  Maybe I was worried about losing the marriage.  I think I will pray again this morning for some reassurance.  It is possible that things will be okay for me whether I keep or lose the marriage.  I just need to do what is right.
 
 
 

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