Saturday, January 19th, Day 137, Lord, Help Me
Today, I got some extra help from the Lord.
If you would like to join me in this journey from the beginning, please start with Day One.
A Visit from My Husband’s Son
My husband’s son visited briefly this morning. He expressed his concern about my husband’s drinking. He said it was interfering with his relationship with his father. My hope is that he relaxes about it and enjoys his father as much as possible, as is. That is what I am aiming to do. If he waits until my husband stops drinking permanently, he may miss an opportunity to enjoy him, because that may never happen. On an encouraging note, he said he would visit next week.
I am still keeping my diet log in Cronometer, even though I did not lose any weight this past week. I am enjoying the process of logging and analyzing my food. The log would be more useful if all the food records were complete. Some nutrients are probably in certain foods, but their food records do not report them. However, Cronometer does a better job of being complete and accurate than any other diet diary I am aware of. Likely in the future, it will be even better. The best solution for now is to eat whole, natural foods, the records for which are more complete than virtually all manufactured food products.
Walking, But Otherwise Not So Good
My husband is still walking, but his balance, endurance, and strength are starting to fail him again. He has me do most of his running around. He stopped drinking while he had the “stomach flu”. The nausea and vomiting was probably a mechanism to reduce his blood alcohol, which had probably reached toxic levels. His own body was trying to protect him. Now that his stomach is okay, he feels free to drink again, and he is drinking quite a lot. In the middle of the night last night, he asked me to refill his wine cup.
Time To Enjoy My Husband
However, like I said about my step-son, it is time for me to enjoy my husband as much as possible and not let his drinking ruin our relationship. We have been getting along super well lately. His marital satisfaction level is very high, and I am happy living with him and enjoying this beautiful condo. Now that I have my computer up and running, my level of enjoyment is even higher.
I just checked on my husband in the living room. He was lying on the floor. The TV was turned on with the sound off. I asked if he would like to get on the bed, and he said no.
A Walk In The Hallway
I took a walk in the buildings’ ground floor hallway this morning. I met one of our neighbors who was on his way to the recreation center. He mentioned that people in the building use the stairs as part of their exercise routine.
I have met most of the people on this floor. The owners of the condo just across the hall are here only six months of the year, so I have not met them. Except for another resident who is deaf, I have met everyone in the eight units. It may be a good idea to hike up the stairs and walk on the other levels. There are four resident levels in the building with 32 units in total. I would like to eventually meet everyone in the building. Getting to know people here is a bit more difficult than at the retirement complex. I attribute that to their busy lifestyle. They have places to go, things to do. They are not as relaxed as the retirees. However, I will do what I can to make friends and acquaintances. My husband says I am like Jacque, our neighbor at the retirement complex who has been such a good friend to me.
I am practicing a number memorizing technique taught in Kevin Horsley’s book Unlimited Memory. He assigns each numerical digit to phonetic sounds of consonants. ‘0’ is the ‘s,’ ‘z,’ or soft ‘c’ sound. ‘1’ is the ‘t’ or ‘d’ sound. ‘2’ is the ‘n’ sound. ‘3’ is the ‘m’ sound. ‘4’ is the ‘r’ sound. ‘5’ is the ‘l’ sound. ‘6’ is the ‘sh’, ‘j’ or soft ‘g’ or ‘ch’ sounds. ‘7’ is the ‘k’ or hard ‘c’ or ‘g’ sounds. ‘8’ is the ‘f’ or ‘v’ sound. ‘9’ is the ‘p’ or ‘b’ sound.
To make the system work, you form words with the sounds by adding vowels, ‘y’s, or ‘w’s. You then remember the words by creating an unforgettable mental picture that represents it. It can be a challenge to think of the words and images, and even more of a challenge to remember them, but it gets easier to do with practice. I figured out words that represent my step-son’s phone number, my phone number, and my husband’s phone number and social security number. For the sake of privacy, I will not reveal the words, but they were fun and not that hard to associate with the person. Kevin says this system can make your numerical memory unlimited.
Kevin uses a derivative system to memorize a deck of playing cards, so you can play to win. Personally, I am not much of a card player, but knowing this may interest you.
Memory as a Youth
I had a great memory as a youth, which helped me get a straight A average in high school. As I got older, my memory started to fail a bit, sometimes more than a bit. However, with these techniques, my memory is making a comeback. I have to memorize things deliberately, but I can. I also take lecithin to help improve my memory, as I did when I was young. Kevin says the reason we lose our keys (or other items) is that we are not present. We set them down unconsciously. I did that as a youth. I still often lose my keys or reading glasses. I want to be more present, so I do not do that.
My husband just fell while getting into his rocking chair. He had trouble getting up without my assistance. I thought about lecturing him about the dangers of drinking, but I left it alone.
More time has passed. My husband choked. He is still on the floor. I went in the bedroom for a while and lay down. Then I had some early supper without my husband. My husband has been drinking heavily all day. I wish my step-son and I could convince him to stop, but he shuts out the possibility of doing so. I could force him to get his own drinks, but that would endanger the marriage.
Let me think of something to do this evening that would get me out of my glum mood. I spent some time today with my National Geographic DVD set, studying butterflies. I am reading a May 1936 article about butterfly classifications. I could go back to that, but I want to explore my feelings and work out some excrement.
To Be Here or Not To Be Here
I am really a homebody at heart, so the fact that my husband wants me near and does not want to go anywhere is not a huge deal. However, I probably would do better if I were to get out more. It is snowy and icy out tonight, so it may be better to just stay in for now. However, I do not want to completely shut out the possibility of getting out tonight or at least some time soon.
I could read another book. I have not completed Unlimited Memory yet, so that is a possibility.
JV Life Tracker
I just scored JV Life Tracker for yesterday. I got 9 points, not really bad, but not really an improvement either. However, I want to prioritize enjoyment, not just stellar scores. On the other hand, I enjoy stellar scores. That is one reason my JV Life Tracker master task list used to be so inflated. It got so long, it took over 35 minutes a day on the average to score.
Let me do my meditation recording from November first. There. That was good for the brain. Now, I have done my Big Four (meditation, JV Life Tracker, Cronometer, blog) for the day.
My husband wants to go to the National Western Stock Show. I was a bit dubious that he could do it, but I talked to him as if it was a possibility. Now it looks like we will probably not go. He is still lying on the floor, non-communicative. I do not know what is going through his mind. Earlier I asked him if I should call the paramedics, and he said if I did we were done. That was probably just a threat. However, what will I do when he really needs paramedics?
Should I share my feelings tonight on my blog? I try, though I am sometimes unsuccessful, to keep my husband’s life private, though I do share my own in depth. I probably need to talk to someone, but if I call a friend or family member, my husband may see it as a threat. So I will not call anyone. Perhaps the best thing to do is pray.
I feel unsettled tonight because my husband’s condition is going downhill again. I told him the other day I was happy with him except that I wished he would quit drinking. He knows how I feel about it. It seems to be very important to him that I support his drinking.
Whatever I do, I cannot make it safe for him to drink. I can do all his driving. I can take care of his bills. But I cannot make drinking safe. Drinking just is not safe. It affects him mentally and physically in countless ways.
Am I just having a hard time because of what my step-son said this morning? He said it is not fair to him that my husband drinks. He said it is not fair to me either. Fair or not fair, I chose to marry my husband. I knew he was an alcoholic.
My husband just now asked how I was and said he was fine. What do you recommend that I do, Lord? He said he wants me just now. I do not want to get on the floor with him.
I suggested he get on the bed. He said again that he was fine. I will let it go at that and continue my prayer. Lord, you have gotten me through some tough times. Now my life is relatively calm. I still have the hurdle of what to do with my things in Utah, but I can work that out. The immediate concern of what to do about my husband is what I need help with right now. Should I try to point out to my husband the dangers of alcohol?
No? Maybe you are right. My husband has been through years of AA with hundreds of alcoholics telling him what is wrong with alcohol. He knows.
Lord, I had the opportunity to go back to Utah. Did I make the wrong decision in going back to my husband instead?
No? It seems right to me that I came back here. I have had so many good experiences since my return.
Lord, what question should I ask? My mood has been sinking tonight. Does it have anything to do with my husband or is it just a swing of my bipolar moods? Or is it something else?
I guess my mood has come back up since I have been praying. I just need more time with you, Lord. Is that true?
Yes, that is true. Thank you for answering in the affirmative. Yes, I just need more time in prayer. Lord, guide me in what to say in this prayer. What do I need to ask for? Should I ask how I should spend my time this Saturday evening?
Yes? What should I do? I have been working on my blog, meditating, updating Cronometer, scoring JV Life Tracker, and thinking about my studies. Is there some new activity I should do?
No? What old activities should I do then? Should I baby shampoo my eyes?
Yes? That makes sense. I have been doing that more regularly lately, and my eye condition is starting to improve. Now that is done. What next? Are you thinking of our relationship as referred to in 2 Corinthians 11:2?
Yes? I have often talked to you about that, though not in public. I consider myself your Bride. I married my husband, but that is only for a short time. My relationship with you will last forever. I belong to your Church.
Lord: KaeLyn, let me insert a few words. You belong to me. Remember that. I am yours, forever.
I need to keep that in perspective. I get over-identified with the situation I have now. Can you fill me with your love?
Lord: Yes, I can.
Is there anything I can do right now to open myself more fully to your love?
Lord: Yes. Go give your husband a hug.
My husband thought it was six in the morning rather than evening just now. I do not think he looks forward to getting through the night. He often says he is lonely at night while I am sleeping.
Lord: I know.
Lord, I wish I could help my husband. He is not well today.
Lord: What can you do?
The best thing for him would be to quit drinking and get some medication for his symptoms.
Lord: I know. KaeLyn, will you accept him?
I thought I already did.
Lord: Accept him more fully. Love him.
Lord: Love him as I do.
Tell me more about that.
Lord: How much do I love you?
It seems to me that it is a lot.
Lord: I love him the same.
How can I love him as much?
Lord: Follow me.
Can I heal him?
Lord: You already have.
Not completely. He is still so nervous at times. I saw him breathing hard the other day. I had to balance him to get to the bathroom.
Lord: Love him, KaeLyn.
I talked to him just now and lay beside him. We had a very nice exchange. Now I know the answer is not to tell him what he is doing wrong. It is to love him and show my love for him.
Lord: Absolutely. Do that with everyone.