Monday, October 8th, Day Thirty-Four

Monday, October 8th, Day Thirty-Four

 

Morning

 
This is Day Thirty-Four of our journey.  My intention is to lose 15 pounds without sacrificing my mood or energy.  If you wish to follow this from the beginning, start with September 5th, Day One.
 
My lowest weight so far is 117.0 pounds.  Currently I am at 120.0 pounds.  I have had some stress in my life, which I allowed to set me back.  However, I have not given up.  I will go forward from here.
 
My husband is in the hospital.  The doctor said he would be released today into rehab.  They have not determined exactly where he will go for rehab, due to it being the weekend the past couple of days.  I think they most likely will make that determination this morning.
 
So far this morning, I posted yesterday’s entry in this travel log.  I made the bed and got some water.  I took my thyroid medication and some garcinia cambogia, which both seem to raise my metabolic rate enough to make a difference.
 

Joy

 
I feel a surge of joy getting started this morning.  Perhaps it is my resolve to keep going with this journey, despite huge obstacles.  I feel the love of my husband, family, and friends.  Perhaps I am feeling the safety I prayed for yesterday.  When my step-son asked my husband about where I should live, my husband said, “I want her to be somewhere where she is safe.”  I think a feeling of safety is important in combating stress.
 

Overwhelm

 
I have been thinking of all the things I will need if I live separately from my husband.  I have most of those things in Utah, but how do I get them here?  Should I do a move or a partial move?  Perhaps that is too overwhelming to consider right now.  I am still praying I will get an exception from the executive director.
 

Exercise

 
I am taking a walk in the apartment.  I think I should pause and do some strength training.  Let me do that.  Let me do the plank as well.  There.  I did it for 1:17 minutes.  I think I will keep it at that duration for next time.  I could walk down to the mailboxes.  I did, twice.  I came back to take out the trash, which I had forgotten to put out.
 

Breakfast

 
It is 7:59 AM.  It would be good to have breakfast.
 
I am having my typical breakfast of coconut, Orgain protein powder, Brazil nuts, walnuts, lecithin granules, TMG, and an apple.  I am not using pasture-raised heavy cream this time.  That can easily make it too “calorific”.  I used 24 grams of walnuts, which was probably too much.  Walnuts can make it too “calorific” as well.  I took some fish oil to balance the omega-6 to omega-3 ratio.
 

Cadillac

 
I am calling to remove my Cadillac from my Colorado insurance policy.  Monday morning is probably not the ideal time to call.  I am on hold.
 
Now my Cadillac is no longer on my Colorado policy.  I just need to make arrangements to pay my mother each month for the policy she is holding on it.  She said the first payment is due in November.
 

Nuts

 
To keep me from snacking on sugar, I am taking nuts with me again to the hospital.  This time I am taking a bit fewer cashews and walnuts–26 grams of each.
 
I could leave for the hospital now, but I think I will take a little more time for me.
 

Gratitude

 
5-10 things i am grateful for:
my husband, my in-laws, my parents, my friends, my health, my abilities
 
morning comments, feelings, ideas, moods, and empowering questions:
How can I feel even more joy in my life?
 
mood and energy
 
0-100
comments
mood:
70
I am feeling okay, considering the circumstances.
energy:
75
I walked very energetically to the mailboxes and back, twice.
 
accomplishments
 
accomplishment
reason it’s important
 
next action(s)
date
1
I lost .3 pounds last night.
Health, weight loss, health coaching
Continue to use nuts.
10/08/18
2
I have posted 33 entries to my blog on this journey so far, one for each day.
Writing, health coaching, personal transformation
Continue to write and post.
10/08/18
3
I have lost almost 5 pounds in a month.
Health coaching, health
Continue to lose weight, even if very slowly.
10/09/18
4
I have visited my husband every day he has been in the hospital, for most of the day.
Relationships
Continue to support my husband.
10/08/18
5
I have found calm in the storm of my circumstances.
Health, happiness, peace
Continue to find peace through prayer and meditation.
10/08/18
 

Meditation and Prayer

 
The three-minute walking meditation will suffice for me this morning.
 
Dear Lord,
 
Thank you for the peace I feel this morning.  My mind is still creating scenarios about the future.  Help me to rest fully in the present, because right here, right now, all is well.  I cannot solve all my future problems now.
 
I recall in 2011, I endured a lot of pain.  I decided then that I could always bear this moment’s worth of pain.  I could not tolerate all my worries about future pain.  So, let me bear with this moment’s worth of trouble right now and not shoulder all the troubles that could happen in the future.
 
Lord, I thank you that you have preserved me so far.  I appreciate the bounty in my life, even though most of my possessions are in Utah.  Help me to respond to my current medical challenges.  Help me to help my husband through his.  Give me this day my daily bread.  Forgive me of my shortcomings.  Help me to forgive those who have wronged me.  The power and glory is yours.  I await a reunion with you in due time.
 
Amen.
 

Hospital

 
I am at the hospital. The doctor came in and had positive news about the MRI.  The balance center at the back of my husband’s brain is not damaged.  He can expect to regain the ability to walk.
 

Chaplain

 
Our beautiful chaplain came in and talked to us.  She said I looked more rested.  She prayed for an exception in our favor concerning our housing situation.
 

Temptation

 
I was tempted to eat something off of my husband’s breakfast tray, but I ate a few cashews instead.
 

License to Roam

 
My husband said I can go anywhere and do anything I want.  In practice he wants me near, but I am glad I have a license to roam.  I may need to go get a winter coat and gloves.  I expected that we would return to Utah to get my things by winter, but it does not look like that will happen.  I am very glad I bought the jacket I have.
 
It looks like my husband will go to rehab later on today.
 
I am waiting for lunch.  I have not eaten all my cashews yet.  I want to save some for this afternoon.  It is almost noon.
 
My husband is sounding a bit confused.  Hospital life does that to you.  He asked me to sneak in some red wine for him.  I reminded him that he wanted to walk again.  It will take some work to convince him that he cannot do both.  If no one can convince him and he cannot convince himself, he will have to keep going through this until it kills him.  I pray not, but I know how seductive alcohol is.
 

Afternoon

 

Lunch

 
My lunch was small.  I had a medium piece of salmon, zucchini and summer squash, and green beans.  I meant to order mashed potatoes, but I had a cup of applesauce instead.  I ate a bit off my husband’s plate.  That with the cashews was barely 500 calories.
 
I saved three pats of butter in my coat pocket.  My husband gave me a little bag to protect my coat from getting all buttery.  Snacking on plain butter is a little strange, but it beats eating sugar as it is not addictive, at least for me. I think I will try one right now.
 
Butter goes better with potatoes, but it does the job of curing hunger, so it is okay.  One thing you will notice while cutting back on calories is that your appetite is stronger.  Unsalted rather than salted butter would probably be better, if it is eaten alone.
 

Rehab

 
My husband asked me to sneak him out of the hospital, so he could go home for a couple of hours and then come back.  He said he did not want to go to rehab.  I thought he was already in agreement to go.  At my request, we talked to the case manager.  She said if he does not go to rehab, the hospital will not release him because he is not safe to be at home.  However, since it is not medically necessary for him to be in the hospital, Medicare will not pay for it.
 
She could have been bluffing, but it looks like my husband does not have much choice but to go to rehab.  I asked her what I should do since he keeps asking me to get him out of there.  She said, “I would leave.”
 
So I came home.
 

Friend

 
I visited with the nice lady across the hallway.  She showed me her elegant place, and I worked a while on her computer.  She invited me to be her friend.  I told her about my situation.  She prayed for me.  She is the second person today who has prayed with me and for me.
 

Repairs

 
I returned home and made an appointment to have the jeep looked at tomorrow.  It has a rattle in the engine.  My husband is being transferred to rehab about right now.  I wonder if I should go visit him with the rattling engine, or if I should wait until it is (hopefully) fixed tomorrow.
 
If the jeep takes more than a day to fix, I will need alternate transportation.  I could try Uber.  I have not yet used that service.   Now would be a good time to have my Cadillac here!  Perhaps I could use Uber tonight for practice and see my husband.  I do not know if Uber will operate during the time I need it, where I need it.
 
My step-son might know how it works in this area.  He will visit my husband tonight at 5:30 PM.  It is now 5:17 PM.  Maybe I can call him while they are visiting.  Then I could get a chance to say “hi” to my husband as well.
 
While I am deciding on that, let me write some more.  Maybe the safest thing is to take the jeep in and see if they will fix it tomorrow, without driving it tonight.  If it is not fixed tomorrow, hopefully they will say it is okay to drive until it can be scheduled for repairs.  The automotive place lubed it a week ago, and it was rattling then.  They did not say anything about the rattle.  Of course, they did not have to drive it that far.
 

Phone

 
I connected with my step-son.  He said Lyft is cheaper.  I do not have the app downloaded for Lyft, but he said it operates around the clock in this area.  Rather than go through the stress of going there tonight, I think I will take it easy.  I got a chance to talk to my husband on the phone.  He is with his son, so I will give the two of them a chance to be together alone.  I am sure his son will impress on him the importance of going to rehab and not drinking.  Let me trust my husband to his son.
 

Free Time

 
What should I do?  I am not used to so much free time.  I had a little dinner.  It was not super nutritious, but it almost fit within my calorie limits–17 calories over.  I am pretty weary.  If you follow me, you already know that driving makes me extremely tired.  I have been driving every day for the past six consecutive days.
 
I would like to write, but I can only think of my situation.  Let me see if I can break out of that and write about something else.  I think a lot has been going on in the news.  My friend in Utah talked to me about that the other night.  However, I do not care to get caught up in sexual harassment cases, so let me think about something else.
 

Piano

I noticed that my next door neighbor has a keyboard.  She used to play piano but had a stroke.  She is trying to get back into it.  I wonder if she would let me play her instrument.  I suspect she will if I am really nice about it, and of course I would be.  I brought my piano books with me, some of them anyway.  That is a possibility I do not want to pursue further today, but I want to keep it open for the future.
 

Possibilities

 
What other possibilities can I think of?  I could cook a pot of brown rice.  It is just that we have a lot of vegetables in the refrigerator that need to be used up.  If I cook rice, I will likely settle for rice and almond milk instead of cooking vegetables, so perhaps I should cook vegetables first.  I should have cooked vegetables tonight, but I just had a large cucumber.  I guess I am too tired to cook.
 
I could do my nails.  They are looking a little worn.  Let me consider something else.
 

Turning Point

 
What can I do today that would make every tomorrow brighter?  It is not every day that I make a big turning point decision that stays with me for the rest of my life.
 

Christianity

 
My neighbor talked about her conversion to Christianity and becoming a pastor’s wife.  I told her that I was also Christian.  I did not talk about my conversion much except to tell her that I had a boyfriend who influenced me into Christianity.  I turned back to God and then discovered amazing grace.  Grace has a different definition in the religion of my birth, where it is stressed that it must be earned.  When I discovered that God has forgiven me completely for turning away from Him, I knew more about what grace was all about.  The story of Hosea’s wife in the Old Testament reminded me of my relationship to God.  I knew the Lord was willing to buy me back, even though I had strayed.
 
I still lead a less than perfect life.  I do my best to be close to God, but I have weaknesses I have not been able to fully overcome, and now I know that is okay.  As you know, my husband also has a weakness.  I have decided to love him anyway and not insist that he be perfect.  I think I could allow him to drink as much as he wants, but now that I realize that drinking has taken away his ability to walk, drive, and even go to the bathroom safely, I want to see him go to rehab and change that, if possible.  I am willing to work with him, even if he does not learn the first time or even the umpteenth time.
 

Rehab Center

 
Tonight my step-son is with him, I hope for quite a while.  My husband said the rehab center was nice.  He was glad to have his own room.  Dinner came quite quickly.  It looks like he is in good hands.  I called the center to check on their visitor policy, and it is fairly liberal.  They just ask that he be awake.  My husband said he wanted to be awakened when I visit.  He does not want me to come and leave without seeing him.
 
The case worker at the hospital said that he did not resist being sent to the rehab center, so it sounds like everything went well.  He was after me to keep him from having to go, but there was nothing I could do.  Besides that, I did not want to keep him from going to the rehab center.  Even if he does nothing more than learn how to use a walker, I feel it will be a success.  I think there is even a good chance that he will be able to walk again without assistance.  The MRI report was very hopeful.
 

The Cost

 
At my husband’s request, I could have gone home today, filled a bottle with red wine, and sneaked it into him.  Perhaps it was a turning point for me that I told him no.  I have not yet decided to discard our wine on hand.  We have quite a bit.  I will talk to my husband some more.  Hopefully, he will have a change of heart.  I have heard him say in the past concerning drinking, “I’m done!”  I hope he will get to that point again, but permanently.
 
What is the cost?  Does he see that drinking keeps him from walking, driving, and even going to the bathroom safely?  If and when he gets to the point of walking, going to the bathroom safely, and possibly even driving again, then will he get it?  That is hard to say, but for now I have hope.
 
I have left him countless times in the past because I got fed up with his drinking.  That is before we married.  I do not plan to leave him again.  I am not sure what to do when I get fed up with his drinking now.  Fortunately, the consequences are so severe that they tend to force him to change.  However, I would like to see him do it of his own free will.
 

Evening Prayer

 
Dear Lord,
 
Rehab Center
Thank you for this day.  Thank you for letting my husband out of the hospital, even if it is only to go to the rehab center.  I am grateful there is a good rehab center available to him.  Bless my husband to be receptive to the therapy it has to offer.  Bless the center to have the precise therapy that will benefit him.
 
Friend
Lord, thank you for my new friend.  She is so sweet and inviting.  I wish I had a personality like hers.  Help me to be a good friend to her.  I am hoping I will be able to play her piano.
 
Jeep
Lord, thank you for letting the jeep run so far.  I am going to get it looked at tomorrow to prevent any further trouble.  My husband said to go ahead and get it fixed.
 
Step-Son
Lord, thank you for my good step-son who is shouldering some of the responsibility right now.  That takes a load off me.
 
Life
Lord, thank you for preserving my husband’s life so far.  He has hit his head and hurt his eyes so many times, it is surprising he has not killed or blinded himself.   Teach him to take care of himself.  I know he will not live forever, but I want him around as long as possible.
 
Live Together
Lord, bless my husband and me that we can live together.  If that is not possible, help us to make a workable situation that will foster the closeness of our relationship while still giving us our needed space.
 
Everyone Who Has Helped
Lord, please bless everyone who has helped us this day.  Even the lady at the information booth at the hospital entrance took a few moments and talked to me about my situation today.  She was so nice.  The chaplain prayed for us.  Our neighbor prayed for us.
 
Stay Here
Lord, we are indeed blessed to live in this place.  We want to stay here.  Will you make that happen for us?  I miss Utah less and less.  Colorado is a wonderful place to be.
 
Parents
Lord, bless my parents in Utah.  I love them.  I feel more at peace about them since being away from them.  It was time for me to venture out on my own.  I feel right about having done so.
 
Challenges
I still have challenges in my life, even greater challenges than I had at home, but I need them to grow.  Lord, help me to meet each challenge I have in my life with magnanimity.
 
Amen.
 

Beliefs

 
I was going to end with my prayer, but I still have the desire to write tonight.  My friend Michael, who was my mentor, would often say to me, “Stop worrying about what other people think of you.”  That is good advice.  Sometimes when I bare my soul in this blog, I wonder what people are going to think.  Most of the time, however, I have just expressed the authentic me.
 
I feel totally right about my decision to become a Christian.  However, I still have friends and family in the religion of my birth who likely question me.  Some of them may even read this blog.  It is not my desire to convince you that you are wrong.  However, if you want to be convinced, I can help you along.  It is my experience that, “He that is convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”  I may write more in time about my specific beliefs.  Usually, I stick to the topic of nutrition and speak generally of spirituality.
 
If you are one of those of whom I speak, and you wonder at me, I hope you realize that my religious beliefs are not a sign of insanity or rebellion.  They are simply a decision to believe certain things and disbelieve others.  My beliefs have changed over time.  I expect that some of them will change again.  It is possible to change your beliefs, and many of them should be changed.  In my book, Joyful Vibrance:  Transform Your Body Image, Energy, and Mood, which you can get a free preview copy of here, I write about how you can change your beliefs.  Take a peak and see what you think.
 
It is time for me to sleep.  Thanks for reading this.  Tomorrow I will post this and continue with our journey.
 

Tuesday Morning

 
It is 5:37 AM.  I lost 0.8 pounds (down to 119.2 pounds) from yesterday morning!  That is great considering how stressful yesterday was.  However, I also found peace yesterday in my prayer, meditation, and gratitude practice.  Perhaps that is what helped.  Thanks again for reading this.
 
 
 

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