Friday, February 15th, Day 164, Tenacity

Friday, February 15th, Day 164, Tenacity

 

Morning

 
If you would like to join me in this journey from the beginning, please start with Day One.
 
Even though we had an accident this morning that required me to launder the mattress pad and fitted sheet, my mood is still joyfully vibrant.
 

Goalscape

 
Today, I am installing a new quality into my self-image:  tenacity.
 
Again, I am using Goalscape to sequence my activities and form a morning ritual.
 

Walk

 
I am waiting for my husband to finish shaving and listening to President Donald Trump.  He said that afterwards he would go for a walk in the hallway with me.   If you have been following me, you know that I have asked my husband repeatedly to do this, only to be turned down again and again.  I have asked more times than I have cared to report, almost every day since we have lived here and even before that.  I considered giving up and not asking any more.  However, this could be the day.  I may be too hopeful, but my spiritual leader says that we must never give up hope on what God has promised us, even when the fruition of our desires appears very unlikely.
 

Tenacity

 
My husband walked the hall with me!!!!!  Twice.  My tenacity has paid off.  Afterwards, he said we could do it again.  Donald Trump is showing a lot of tenacity and single-mindedness in getting his Wall funded and built.  Don Quixote exhibited tenacity in his adventures and misadventures.  (The image on this entry is Don Quixote.)  Tenacity is a quality I could use more of.  My husband says we want tenacity in our marriage and that I have had it already.  We have known each other more than thirteen years now, so we must have had some tenacity in order to still be together.
 

Afternoon

 
The How of Happiness’s tenth activity, committing to your goals, requires tenacity in order to succeed.  Let me be more tenacious about my weight loss goal.  It takes a long time to achieve.  When I lose sight of my goal midway, it delays my progress and could keep me from ever getting there.  ‘Tenere’ in Italian and means ‘to hold’.  So if I am tenacious, I hold on.  Napolean Hill says ‘persistence,’ a synonym for ‘tenacity’, is an essential quality for success.
 

Tenacity for the Right Things

 
I have shown tenacity in my weight loss efforts in the past.  I had enough tenacity to graduate from college.  I stayed at one software engineering job for eight and a half years, which showed some tenacity.  I already have some tenacity, I just want more for the right things:
 
  • my marriage
  • maintaining our condo
  • my weight loss and maintenance
  • Cronometer
  • my blog and promoting my blog
  • getting books published on Kindle
  • promoting my books
  • public speaking
  • building my mailing list
  • my self-care rituals
  • my exercise ritual
  • meditation
  • my JV Life Tracker master task list
  • spiritual development
  • driving freedom
  • traveling via National Geographic
 
Developing Tenacity Through Using a Vision Board
 
There is my new vision board right there!  It will require two boards and seventeen images.  If I memorize them and look at them every day, it will help me build tenacity.
 
I will work on my Vision Boards right now.
 
There.  I updated my vision boards and using Insert, Insert Object in The Journal, set them up to view in The Journal Notes category.  I published them as a pdf slide show in PagePlus and set them up to display for a certain number of seconds, experimenting with the number of seconds for a while.
 
Good, that will build tenacity.  I will just put ‘Vision Boards’ in JV Life Tracker, so I will be reminded to look at them every day.  Looking at them will only take a few seconds daily.  There. JV Life Tracker is set up.
 

Putting ‘Tenacity’ In My Self-Image

 
I spent some time with my husband just now and told him that today’s keyword is ‘tenacity’.  He said I already have a lot of tenacity.  Good, I agree.  My use of vision boards in the past helped me persist with my goals.  I can build ‘tenacity’ into my self-image and use vision boards daily to maintain it.
 

Memory Device to Include Tenacity in My Self-Image

 
I have ‘efficient, gorgeous, peaceful, and careful’ (EG-PC) from yesterday.  Now I can add ‘tenacious’.  How can I remember that?  GP-ETC.  How about GPA, etc.?   Except I do not have a quality for ‘A’.  Maybe I can think of something.  For now I can just remember that I have a GPA with an ‘A’ average for these five subjects. That might be more exciting to remember than an omelette on my computer.
 
I will visualize a report card with five ‘A’s.  How do I remember the ‘etc.?’  What is the ‘etc.’ that usually comes with a report card?  Maybe comments at the bottom?  It has been awhile since I had a report card like that, but I can still visualize it.  Just in case I cannot, I will take a look at Google Images.
 
So, here are some qualities in my self image so far:
 
  • gorgeous
  • peaceful
  • efficient
  • tenacious
  • careful
 

Extrinsic Rewards

 
Starting when I was in fourth grade, my parents offered a dollar for each ‘A’ on my report card.  Actually in that elementary school, which was on the Navajo Indian Reservation, teachers used 1’s, 2’s, and 3’s.  I spent the reward money buying paperbacks at school.  That got me into loving books and good grades.  I hear that type of extrinsic reward is not effective.  However, it worked for me.  I had a straight ‘A’ average in high school and an A- average in college.  It might work for your children, although with inflation, a single dollar for each ‘A’ may not be enough.
 
For more info about extrinsic and intrinsic rewards, consult my free but valuable ebook, Joyful Vibrance:  Transform Your Body Image, Energy, and Mood!
 

Evening

 
The day is winding down.  I just put on supper to bake.  I am thinking about tenacity again.  Just now, I was doing the dishes, and I am so hungry, I want to wait until after we eat supper to finish them.  I guess that is okay though.
 
I am grateful the drama from last fall appears to be settled down.  My husband has not had a serious fall since we moved into this condo.  Anything could happen anytime, but I feel at peace.
 

More Tenacity in Overcoming Driving Anxiety

 
I have a backlog of errands to run.  I still have anxiety about driving, especially on the freeway.  The anxiety does not start when I get in the car.  It starts long before.  If I actually get in the car, I can drive.
 
My Past
Somehow, I need to re-write my self-image to overcome my driving anxiety.  I have been working on it for years.  In 2012, I got a new used car and drove on the freeway after not doing it for years.  I had a new boyfriend whose home was only accessible by freeway.  In 2013, I got another boyfriend.  I used the freeway to visit him.  However, since then I have slid back into my old habit–my habit of avoidance.  Analyzing this seems to make it worse.  The only fix is to actually get out and drive.
 
My Recent Past
The Lord and I had a conversation on February 5th about working out at the rec center daily.  The rec center is a mere 1.1 miles away.  By the next day, February 6th, I was tense over my plans.  Since then I have not implemented them, but I did talk about them with my neighbor.  What is wrong with me?  I know driving to the rec center and working out daily would be good for me.  ‘What is wrong with me?’ is probably not the right question to ask.  It implies that there is something wrong with me.  That may not be the case at all.  Something is going on in my head though.  Fortunately, I have never been in a serious car accident.  However, I fear one.  But staying off the road does not make me safer because I am gradually losing my confidence in driving.
 
The Key
I think the key is this:  I need to actually get in the car, with a travel plan, and then I will get there.  It is really that simple.  I usually block my trips before ever getting in the car, before even making a travel plan.  Travel plans are easy to make with Google Maps.  I can see what direction I need to go and how far.  I can even set up multiple stops and transfer them to my cell phone.  By now, I know this area better and do not usually need a GPS.
 
Let me give this a second thought. I know this area pretty well now.  I have been out; I have done it.  Consider this:  I have even driven my disabled husband.  Maybe the reason I do not feel like driving now is that it is cold outside.  However, we have a heated garage in the basement.  I still need a travel plan.  I still need to get in the car.  Those two things will solve the problem.  I should not even think ahead about the actual driving.  That can happen as it comes.
 
Extrinsic Reward
Giving myself an extrinsic reward for a trip might work.  I went to Target on Tuesday and treated myself to a drink and a treat and a Valentine’s Day card for my husband.  I could use a non-food reward, as the drink kind of messed with my diet.  The greeting card was a great idea.
 
No Worrying
Okay, no more worrying about it in advance.  I will make travel plans and get in the car.  No more thinking about what can happen on the road.  I have AAA, which gives me some peace of mind.  Nothing is wrong with me.  I have just let my imagination run wild.  That can happen, and many people fall in that trap.  My driving anxiety is totally fixable.  I have already done quite well here in Colorado.
 
Plans
Tomorrow, I will pick up my prescription meds at Target.  While there, I will get myself something fun.  I will surprise myself.  I could even take the Goodwill box to Goodwill, but my husband thought we may want to put more things into it.  Let me take it to them anyway.  I could also get a haircut.  I have been waiting for my husband to come get his as well, but waiting for him will not work.  That will be plenty for one day.  Later, I can go to the rec center.
 
I have plans.  I need to get my coupon for the haircut and prescription card for my meds.  They are somewhere in my purse.  In other words, they are kind of lost, but I will find them.  It is tempting to do all of this some other day, but tomorrow has got to be it.
 
Maps
It does not sound too hard, does it?  Let me map this out.  The whole trip is 5.8 miles.  I copied it to my phone.  [That did not seem to work quite right.]  I can probably do it without a GPS.
 
Things To Take
Okay, now let me organize those coupons in my purse and get the Goodwill box ready.  Done.  I think taking some water along would be a good idea.  Let me put my water bottle in the fridge.  I will take cashews in my purse too in case I get hungry.
 
What To Do Tomorrow
There.  I think I am ready.  I even told my husband I was going.  Tomorrow I just need to get dressed, get my Android, take the Goodwill box, take my purse and water bottle, and get in the jeep.  If I worry about anything that comes after that, I will succumb to my driving anxiety.
 
All of that for less than six miles!  However, it will not do me any good to compare myself to others.  Now I need to turn my attention to other topics and not worry about my trip tomorrow.  It will take care of itself.
 

Wrapping Up the Day

 
My husband is watching TV silently again.  I think he is enjoying it.  It is 8:14 PM, so it is getting close to bedtime.  After dinner, I spent a few minutes doing a devotional with my husband.  Then I cleaned the kitchen.
 
I am glad I got my vision boards done today.  I had not planned that, but I came up with the perfect list for my vision boards when I listed the activities in my life that need tenacity.
 
I could go for another walk.  Since I get a backache on my left side from walking, I may need to split my walking into more than one walk.  I have not put that idea into practice yet.  I wish I could figure out what is wrong with my back.  I fell on the concrete on my left side when I was in Utah last spring.  It could be a leftover from that.  That is not proven, however.  For now, I need to accommodate it somehow.
 

Tenacity Involves Overcoming Obstacles

 
Life is wonderful, yet there are certainly a lot of challenges.  Every time we undertake to do something important, there are obstacles.  I read an important work called The Obstacle Is the Way by Ryan Holiday.  I got the book from the library, and my mother also read it before I checked it back in.  She was impressed with the subject.  The main idea is to turn obstacles into opportunities.  There must be hundreds of ways that can be done.  Even my driving anxiety obstacle has sometimes presented me with opportunities.  I have learned what causes a phobia or anxiety.  It is visualizing what can go wrong.
 

Phobias and Anxieties

 
Get The Life You Want by Richard Bandler, the founder of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, covers phobias and anxieties.  Richard can break a phobia in a single session.  Richard says you have to get fed up with the phobia and count its cost in your life.  Then you have to decide to overcome it and confront the situation that causes the phobia, rather than avoiding it.
 

Opportunities?

 
My driving anxiety has certainly cost me a lot of opportunities.  Heretofore, I have mostly practiced avoidance in dealing with it, which has only prolonged the problem.  I have bummed rides a lot.  I enjoy the socialization of going places with other people.  When I got Lyft rides last fall, I enjoyed visiting with the Lyft drivers.  These kinds of opportunities are probably not the kind Ryan Holiday talked about however.  He talks about opportunities in overcoming the obstacle.
 

I Am Ready to Show Some Tenacity

 
I am ready to show some tenacity in overcoming my driving anxiety, which means confronting it, stopping the negative visualization, and spending some time driving the jeep.
 
Though I was going to write about subjects other than driving tonight, maybe I needed to say something.  My avoidance pattern is not helping me overcome the anxiety.  Many people have been willing to accommodate me.  That has presented an opportunity for socialization but not an opportunity to overcome my driving anxiety.
 
Maybe it is to my advantage that I am the only driver in the family now.  I cannot shift the responsibility of driving to my husband.  He is depending on me.
 

Positive Thinking

 
Negative visualization is not useful in any walk of life.  Spiritual leader, Joel Osteen, preaches positive thinking, even in the face of almost certain defeat.  He preaches thinking victoriously.  His wife’s name is Victoria, and I think he ponders on her name for inspiration.  He does not believe that any defeat is permanent but is merely a set up for God to bless you with something greater.
 

The Hand of God

 
The fact is I have never had an event on the road that I was not able to deal with.  That seems incredible, but the fact that I am typing this, rather than being stuck on the road somewhere, proves that.  I have experienced a lot of adverse events, but each time I have gotten through them, often with the help of others.  So why do I fear?  Maybe it is because I have seen the hand of God helping me numerous times.

 

Showing Tenacity in Faith

 
Why do I fear that God will not be there next time?  That is a good question.  Being at God’s mercy is scary, but are we not all there all the time?  We are all on the edge of death, even though we do not always think about it.  We really should not.  Otherwise, we cannot go on with our lives in peace.  What I need is the faith to trust that God will be there for me again and again.  He always has been.  It is impossible to prevent every possible adverse event.  We can cover ourselves in some ways, such as getting AAA, but they do not handle everything.  However, things have a way of working out.  We go places; we experience; we have adverse events; we overcome them; we learn; it is all part of life.  Let me show some tenacity in faith.
 

Saturday Morning

 
I could not sleep this morning after I got up.  I am sleepy but unable to sleep. Hopefully, I can still do my little trip today.
 

Morning Prayer

 
Let me say a morning prayer:
 
Lord, I have been writing about my driving anxiety and the tenacity I want to show in overcoming it.  Though I have been working on it for years, my main way of dealing with it has been avoidance rather than confrontation.  Your plan with me to drive daily is probably the answer.  Will you give me the courage to implement that plan?  Will you give me the tenacity to stick with it?  Yesterday, I determined that I need to 1) make trip plans and 2) get in the jeep.  Am I on the right track with this?
 
Yea.
 
I apologize that I did not implement your suggestions immediately.  Will you forgive my lack of faith?
 
Yes.
 
Driving Anxiety Sabotaging My Trip?
This morning, I started too early.  My driving anxiety could be trying to sabotage my trip by making me too sleepy to drive.  I do not understand all the sub-conscious tricks my body can play on me.  How can I relieve myself of all the negative visualization I play in my head about driving?  Last night, my head was trying to catalog all the adverse events I have been through while driving.  It is mind boggling.  Yet everything worked out.  Many of those resolutions were miracles.  Thank You for all of that by the way.  Without Your help, I would not still be around.  Will You protect me moving forward?  I know You will.  I just need to have tenacity in the faith that You will.
 
KaeLyn, have the tenacity to overcome your driving anxiety.  I am not asking you to take unusual risks.  Yes, I am with you.  You need not fear.  You know that I have already been with you.  Help has always been there.
 
Usually without any waiting.
 
That is right.
 
Effects of Bipolar Disorder On Driving
Sometimes my bipolar disorder or the medication I take for it interferes with my ability to drive.  I try to accommodate that as much as possible, but again I mostly use avoidance.
 
I know you are justifiably concerned.  Again, I have protected you over and over.
 
I want to have courage, but I do not want to be overly courageous–rash, I guess you call it.  In 2016, when I was manic, the police stopped me and called a taxi for me.  I got home in the taxi okay.  However, I forgot where my Cadillac was.  Mom later found the address of where my car was in my purse.  The police had given me a slip of paper with the address written on it.  It all turned out okay, but losing my car is one thing I mean by an adverse event.
 
KaeLyn, there are other stories in your head as well.
 
Am I Too Personal?
Maybe I will share some of them with my readers from time to time.  Lord, am I too personal in my blog?
 
KaeLyn, what are you trying to achieve with your blog?
 
I want to share my life in a way that can be of service to others.  If I do not have all the answers, at least I have many of the questions.  I also find joy in self-expression.
 
What is more personal than your life?
 
I guess I cannot share my life without being personal.  I do protect some info, but I do tell a lot.  I do not know if this story about losing my car will help anyone.  It is kind of embarrassing, but it also shows the challenges I face.  It is also a reminder for me to not play around with my medication, like I was doing at that time.
 
KaeLyn, have courage.  Have tenacity.  Have faith.
 
Purpose
Lord, fortunately I want to live now.  At times, I wanted to become free of my bipolar by dying.  Will you help me find a reason to live?  My husband says he has found his purpose in taking care of me.  I can do the same for him.  Not long ago, I did not think I would ever marry again, but now I have done so.  My marriage is challenging but easier to deal with than bipolar.  I sometimes fear that handling bipolar and my husband will become too much for me.
 
Keep taking your medication.
 
Amen.
 

Parting Thoughts About My Medication

 
Tenacity with my medication is going to be important for me.  Maybe it is a good thing that I am past childbearing age.  If that were not so, I would probably keep ditching my medication in hopes I could have babies.  My husband, bless his heart, wants to have babies with me.  Fertility is a whole other topic, for which I do not have all the answers.  However, I have many of the questions.  If you, my reader, are struggling with the effect of your medication on your fertility, I feel for you.  You may want to read my novel Scarlet Night, which is available almost for free.
 
 

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