Photo “Golden Columbine” by KaeLyn Morrill in Civic Green Park, Colorado
“The instruction of the LORD is perfect, renewing one’s life; the testimony of the LORD is trustworthy, making the inexperienced wise” (Psalm 19:7).
Connection to My Senses
My mood is not up very far. However, I feel grateful to be here, alive on earth. It is still very early. I am connecting with my senses in meditation. What I notice most is what I hear. I hear the computer humming, the soft roar of the air-conditioner, tinnitus ringing in my ears.
I am hungry. However, I intend to wait for breakfast until 8:30 AM, more than three hours from now.
Possible Weight Loss
One advantage of getting off of Imipramine is that weight loss will probably be more doable. Tricyclics can cause weight gain. However, SAMe is neutral. I went ahead and ate before my intended breakfast time. It may take a while to train myself into intermittent fasting again. I also took SAMe.
When I am preparing food for my husband and about ready to serve him, I ask, “Are you getting excited?” He says, “No.” He does not get excited about food. I do.
What makes me get excited about food? Am I addicted to it? My husband gets passionate about other things, which will go without mentioning.
Last night, I talked to a friend in Utah. That was exciting. However, this friend had experienced some misfortune. That was hard to hear. My friend did not seem depressed over it.
Mood Screening Appointment
I went back to bed until 10:30 AM. Now, my primary care center wants to do a mood screening tomorrow. If I am honest, what an experience I have to recount! I do not want them to put me in the hospital, though. Fortunately, I believe I am out-of-danger now.
I took some more SAMe. I asked the doctor if that would be okay but did not get an answer. Needing some additional mood support, I am taking matters in my own hands.
It is now late afternoon. I have not been very motivated today.
Today, I am still struggling. My JV Life Tracker points have come down the last few days. However, I am still scoring them, so that is noteworthy.
What can I do to regain my motivation? Where is the zest for living I had for two months? I am missing Imipramine. What can I do in its absence? For the sake of my heart, I cannot take it anymore.
I need to walk to the library again. It is cooler today. Walking that far would not be too hot, even this late in the morning. Maybe, I can start tomorrow. Of course, that is what I thought yesterday.
Fortunately, this morning, I lost some weight when I expected to gain. The Imipramine is gone, and I am taking an adequate amount of thyroid. That is making a difference. I can pursue my weight loss goal again.
Yesterday and this morning, I read Dr. Joe Dispenza’s You Are The Placebo. According to him, my body can make its own antidepressants, including side effects. How do I command my body to do that? Sometimes, I feel magnificent, on or off of antidepressants. If I could summon those feelings at will, that would be a marvelous achievement! Joe Dispenza has some ideas for making that happen. I have read some of his other books and even have one of his meditation CDs. Is that the answer?
What do I want my future to look like now that Imipramine is gone? Let me make a list.
I can put these on my JV Life Tracker (Vibrancy) checklist. Most of them are already represented. However, some are not. Then, I will name this list Package-for-Triumph. My opponents are my bipolar disorder demons. I can refer to my list as PFT for short.
Mental Health Screening
Laura, from my primary care center, had a video conference with me this afternoon. She said she did not need to do a mental health screening because I had one nine days ago. I was doing much better then! However, she accepted my medication transition as the reason for that and introduced herself without doing a screening. She was satisfied that I was getting the mental health support I need.
That means I can go on to triumph with my new list. Maybe, that will make life exciting again. I want to abbreviate the items on my list. I could just add the things that are not already represented to Vibrancy. There. I added 17 items. I labeled them with PFT, so they sort together, and I know they came from this list.
That list is too big for one day, and certainly too big for today. I will have to work my way into it. The afternoon is nearly over.
What Can I Do?
I could read some more, shower, clean the kitchen, take a nap, or meditate. That all seems too hard right now. Maybe, I can write for a while yet and explore things. I am still struggling to get excited about life.
I started a Z meditation this morning when a delivery man called about three hours earlier than expected and asked to be let in. I did not get back to the meditation. The only substantial thing I have done today is to create my Package for Triumph. If I were to show it to my counselor, she would probably say it is too much. My Top 5 has been working well, so I do not want to let go of it. It is not the whole package to triumph, however. There is more I want to do, more that I have to do.
First thing this morning, I did a Z meditation–the first time I got through it. It involves:
- two minutes of mindfully connecting to your senses
- eleven minutes of meditating with a mantra
- two minutes of manifestation
I feel more excited about life today than I have for several days. I think Package for Triumph will work as long as I do not let go of my Top 5 in the process.
Seconds ago, I took a shower, something I had been procrastinating. Now I know what was stopping me–a broken fingernail. That problem surfaced during the downpour. Hopefully, the split will grow out soon.
Because I did not take a shower yesterday, I did not want to walk to the library. Because I did not get out, my mood did not go up–a chain reaction. I am praying things will go better today.
What is next? I can score Vibrancy for yesterday. I scored 125. That is more than I have achieved for several days. It looks like things are looking up. Maybe, I can even get excited about that.
Let me take my SAMe and thyroid medications.
My Top 5 is not all 100 percents anymore, but my scores are still high.
I am 46 days into my 100, almost half done. I have posted 18 blog entries during those six and a half weeks, so I feel accomplished.
Even though it is not my regular breakfast time yet, I made a green drink. Nothing else fills my nutrition requirements as well. It may boost my energy as it has done that in the past.
Wow! I am starting to feel better. Maybe the walk to the library will be a reality today. Let me check my blood pressure. Yesterday morning, my monitor said I was okay. Today, it is high: 149/90! My potassium/sodium ratio was only .755 yesterday. So far today, my potassium/sodium ratio is 1.676, much better. I can probably lower my blood pressure reading by tomorrow. Knowing it is up has me a bit unsettled.
In addition to my Z meditation this morning, I want to do a walking meditation called The Settling Moment by Thomas Neil in Insight Timer.
I should have put my earphones on while listening; the sound disturbed my husband. He is getting up pretty soon.
Unfortunately, I do not feel settled afterward. I do not know if it is my husband, my blood pressure, or what.
I did a TMJ (temporomandibular joint) exercise, reciting Psalm 23 with a plastic cap in my mouth. Then, I ran my tongue over my upper and lower teeth as if to clean them. After that, I uttered NG-AH several times. These exercises have not cured TMJ, but they seem to ease it and make fasting more doable.
Finally, I feel like I can walk to the library. It is only about half a mile away.
I talked to one of my neighbors as I was out walking. After I returned, I wrote and mailed her a letter, which I hope she accepts.
I forgot that I had rescheduled my chiropractic appointment at 8:00 AM this morning. I missed it! It will be too hot to walk there this afternoon, and I am not up to driving. Maybe, I can just reschedule it for Monday. Right now, the office is closed.
I do not have my life together yet, but I am trying.
Does anyone realize how excruciating this is? Psychotropic meds fool with your memory and all your thought processes. I am doing my best to be positive, but it is almost impossible. However, I can see some improvement since I started this entry. Maybe you can too. Perhaps, I can post now, even though I am not to the happy point I desire. This will continue.
If you would like to join me on this journey from the beginning, please start with Day One. If you wish to download a FREE copy of my ebook (with no need to enter your name or email), click on the book below.