Day 468, Mindful Placement Position

This past week I struggled with depression.  However, I identified the belief I was feeding it and stopped it within a few days.  Typically, depression like that can run me down for months.  To celebrate feeling better, I invented a new project or game I call MPP or Mindful Placement Position.  More about that in the text.  Enjoy!

 

Colorado my parents my husband my husband’s son and his family joy and wisdom Christmas my friend, Jacque

 

I feel better after a brief bout with depression over the Thanksgiving holiday.

 

	0-100	comments
mood:	85	feeling okay tonight
energy:	70	woke up too early this morning but got a nap during the day

	accomplishment	the reason it is important	next action(s)
1.	I got dressed this morning and walked in the hall.	Fitness	Celebrate and continue.
2.	I did four chiropractic exercises and my Denneroll today.	Health	Celebrate and continue.
3.	I helped my husband with his physical therapy this morning.	Relationship	Celebrate and continue.
4.	Yesterday, I adhered very closely to my default food plan.	Health	Celebrate and continue.
5.	Yesterday, I read more of The Organized Mind by Daniel Levitin.	Healthy Mind	Finish.

 

 

 

Last night, I did not sleep well.  I was worried about my husband’s health after a trip to the doctor.  I wanted to talk to him about his diagnosis, but he cut me off.  Years of drinking are beginning to take a toll on his liver.  This morning, I saw the results from his blood tests, which showed significant improvement from where he was in the hospital.  However, the numbers are likely to get worse again if he continues to drink, and he will get sicker.  My husband has some hard decisions to make.  I believe he has already decided he will continue drinking.  Trying to persuade him otherwise will probably hurt our relationship.

 

What is the best stance for me to take?  Talking to my husband about it is not working for us.  He has beaten the odds so far.  His liver has been healthy until lately.

 

 

Today, I am feeling very sleepy.  However, I managed to get started on this blog.  Last night, I ate beyond my food plan.  I was so emotional; I needed a way to soothe myself.  I do not know what effect the eating has had on my weight.  However, my weight loss can wait a while.  Though I was planning to reach my goal weight in January 2020, it may be somewhat later.  I am also questioning whether my goal weight of 50 kg is right for me.  Perhaps, I have already reached my ideal weight.

 

At 167 cm in height and 51.65 kg, my BMI is 18.5.  That is the lowest it can be for “normal weight.”  If I lose more, I will be considered underweight.  My husband said my weight is “just right.”

 

Should I call my diet a success at my last weight reading?  My husband thinks so.  Let me think it over.  I can start stabilizing now.  Maintaining a weight loss can be as challenging as losing in the first place.

 

 

 

This week, my attempted transition to stabilization was not smooth.  I gained almost a kilo.  I am back with my diet plans now and may even go down to 50 kg.  I feel depressed that I allowed myself to re-gain so much weight.  However, I must have been releasing tension by eating more than usual.

 

I am feeling okay again.  My depression has lifted.  I think I have identified the belief that was making me depressed.  I am doing my best to get myself back to a happy place.

 

 

Our cosmetologist came over this afternoon and re-polished my fingernails, so I am feeling pretty again.  My husband had a physical therapist this afternoon.

 

 

I worked on a new mind map this afternoon.  It is called my Mindful Placement Position game.

 

 

Paying extra attention to how and where I set things down:

 

1.  Determines how everything is arranged around me;

2.  Impacts how my surroundings look;

3.  Controls the effect of my interior decorating;

4.  Is an expression of my artistry to have my possessions arranged in a certain way;

5.  Lowers the chance of losing things;

6.  Is a sign of mindfulness;

7.  Affects how I feel about life and about myself;

8.  Lifts my mood;

9.  Increases my productivity if items are arranged logically and are not crowded;

 

 

Recently, I lost a cherished Ecco-Drive watch that I would not have misplaced had I been more mindful about where I put it.  I have since resolved to be more careful when I set things down.  Not only do I want to avoid losing items, but I also want to make the area around myself beautiful and keep it looking that way.  Tonight, I noticed that when I was more mindful about stacking the dishes on the kitchen counter, it took less time to load them into the dishwasher.  This approach may increase my productivity also.

 

 

So many of our habits are enacted automatically.  Interrupting our behavior after years of carelessness is almost impossible.  However, I am determined to not succumb to programs from the past.

 

One way to increase mindfulness is to do a regular mindfulness practice such as meditation.  However, besides the time behind closed eyes, our everyday activity can be replaced by wakefulness, thoughtfulness, and paying attention.  I do not claim perfection at this.  It is just one of my new practices.

 

My husband likes to keep the lights on in the bathrooms all night.  Years of conditioning from my father, who was always insisting we keep the lights turned off in rooms we were not using, is extremely hard to break.  My husband has to keep reminding me to turn the lights back on.

 

 

I think my most recent depression resulted from doubting myself.  I felt invalidated by a close family member who did not value my choices, goals, or interests.  Yesterday, Jacque told me she was proud of me.  I needed that.  That day, I feared I was spiraling down into a depressive episode that could last for months.  Fortunately, it appears that a long dark stretch will not happen, not this time.  Dr. David Burns is probably correct in teaching that depression is caused by what you believe, especially about yourself.

 

Christmas is getting closer.  Last Christmas, I was trying to survive.  My husband had asked me to leave the condo, and I had no shelter but the jeep.  This Christmas feels a bit like a survival struggle, too, with a disabling depression threatening.  However, I have learned a few things this year.  I have gained an understanding of the power of belief.  I can change my convictions very quickly.  I also tend to believe what people around me teach.  This can be disastrous.  I must not assume assertions that I have not carefully proven.  Knowing that I cannot logically prove everything I hold true, I can instead evaluate the effect on my life each conviction has.  If it is not what I want, the limiting belief can be tossed.

 

What is the secret to holding our convictions, with the Internet, diverse people around us, etc.?  Sometimes changing our beliefs is empowering.  Evaluating that can take some time.  Believing differently than our parents is especially risky because it can kindle conflicts with them.  Parents perhaps have a more significant influence on our beliefs than any other person or group.  We pick up on their views before we are old enough to remember or engage in critical thinking.

 

 

 

Fortunately, this morning, at 52.1 kg, I noticed I have lost over half my recent weight gain.

 

 

Perhaps I can make and maintain a list of my most important beliefs and use them as affirmations.  These 10 Positive Affirmations are a starting place.

 

 

I slept until past six this morning.  Now I am better rested than I typically am in the morning.  When I sleep later, I also eliminate more completely.  It appears that arising extremely early and constipation go hand in hand, at least for me.

 

 

The feelings of depression I had earlier this week appear to be gone.  What can I do to make the most of my day?

 

Jacque just called to ask if I had contacted the counseling center at her church.  I told her my depression is gone.  I think she was a bit surprised.  Frankly, I am too.

 

 

I read a devotional about service within a marriage to my husband and myself.  My eyes were hurting.  However, it must have been dryness.  I watered them with eye drops, and they feel better.

 

 

I updated my Earnings Per Notch spreadsheet.  I have now earned $172 in savings, $162, of which I have actually transferred to a savings account.  My efficiency is down to 0.349–a number that indicates how many times I lost, gained back and lost the weight again.

 

 

I missed one day with Cronometer since September 22, 2019, setting my completion rate to 98.8%.  Without changing the start date, I can never get that percentage to 100% again, which is a downer.  However, I can increase it, which I could not do before.  That is a high percentage.  I feel proud of myself.  I also feel proud of myself for getting right back to my log after missing a day.  My number on the scales reflects what I did.  Since my nurse practitioner has recently cut my thyroid hormone intake in half, I was afraid I would not be able to lose any more weight.  However, I did, and it looks like I can again.

 

 

I updated my Intermittent Fasting sheet for the past few days.  This week, I ran off the tracks.  However, today, I am back in my routine.  I ate early last night (Friday the 13th) and handily got my 15 hours of fasting in by this morning.

 

 

Last night I binged again, eating a piece of carrot cake Jacque gave me to give to my husband.  I must be vulnerable now, even though my mood has come back up.

 

I am playing my MPP game:  Mindful Placement Position.  I think I am becoming slightly more mindful.  However, I have not undergone a massive transformation yet.  I have not lost anything lately, which is one of the most important reasons for this.  The condo looks lived in, perhaps slightly less messy.  However, I have not redecorated, except a bit for Christmas.  Our home could use some decorative touches.  I asked my husband if we needed an interior decorator, and he said no.  I guess that makes me the interior decorator.  That might be advantageous anyway.  I have directions on how to produce joy in my surroundings.  An interior decorator may insist on having everything neutral.

 

It is late, and I am tired.  However, I am not exhausted.

 

 

Today, I got serious with my Mindful Placement Position game.  I got much of the living room arranged and cleaned up part of the dining room also.  The kitchen is looking great too.  I let my husband know what I was doing.  He did not seem to understand my exuberance and seemed to think that I have always been mindful of where I put things.

 

Another great thing happened.  I found my Ecco-Drive watch!  Wow!  I thought it was gone forever.  I am glad I did not buy a replacement for it, though I did look into what one would cost.  Finding that alone made my day.  

 

 

AFTERNOON PRAYER

Dear Lord,   Playing my Mindful Placement Position game is kind of fun.  It helps me rewire my brain into the organized mind I have been reading about.   I am celebrating my good mood.  Last week, some things got me down. However, I have gently pulled myself out of my depression without the need for psychotherapy.   My reading and writing this year have dramatically enhanced my ability to manage my moods.  I pray that my readers will dive into my blog entries about the prefrontal cortex, etc.   Lord, I am writing a petition of the things I need from you:  my ongoing prayer.  I have noticed that since I submitted it to you, my TMJ pain has relented somewhat.  Thank you for that.  Please help me to obtain relief from this affliction. Lord, I realize that my husband’s health may not improve unless he stops drinking.  He does not want to give up his wine, so we will both experience the effects of his decision.  Help me to weather the storm.  I do not want to upset the relationship by nagging him.   I started a new book this week titled Emotional Advantage by Randy Taran, who is a woman. It has excellent reviews and has a foreword by the Dalai Lama.  It is full of practical suggestions on how to gather information from all emotions, “good” and “bad,” and benefit from it.  I learned some things from my most recent depression.   Lord, help me to attain vibrant joy and help me to use all of my emotions to enhance my life.   Bless my readers likewise.   Amen.

 

If you would like to join me on this journey from the beginning, please start with Day One.