Day 242, Taming My Inner Voice

Day 242, Taming My Inner Voice

 

Morning

 
Today is Day Three in my quest to tame my inner voice.
 
Yesterday, I drove my husband to the bank again.  We ate at the Corner Bakery Cafe nearby while we were waiting for a bank employee.  Our meal was not dairy or gluten-free, but it was tasty, and my husband and I both enjoyed it.  It was great to get out of the condo for a while.  I thought I would gain weight this morning, but I lost .1 kg.
 
To my credit, I came home, entered my food and exercise into Cronometer as accurately as I could and walked 2.75-miles in the hall.
 

Recovering Sanity

 
Last night I read Recovering Sanity for some time.  Could it be that my disorder that I thought was genetic is actually the result of my thought habits?  That lands a weight of responsibility on me, but it also gives me hope.  I cannot change my genes, but I can change my thought patterns, even though that is difficult.
 
Edward Podvoll describes a man, Donald Crowhurst (1932-1969), who believed he could do anything.  He often noted in his logs, “I am brave.  I can meet any challenge or dare.”  In 1969, he borrowed a lot of money and bought a boat in which he could circumnavigate the world in a race.  During the course of the race, he got stuck, falsified his log books, went insane, and ended up disappearing.  His body was never found.  One of the points the author made is that insanity can happen to anyone.  He believes we all have the psychological equipment to switch our minds into insanity.  It is not a matter of having defective genes.
 

Environment vs. Genes

 
If this is true, it matches the teachings of Bruce Lipton and his followers.  In my novel Scarlet Night set in the 1990’s, Katella, who has manic-depression, is convinced she is the victim of defective genes.  Her ex-husband Ron is a geneticist and hopes to find a cure for her.  However, his efforts are thwarted.  That was before the human genome project was completed.
 
In this century, we have learned that illness rarely lies in the genes but in the expression of them, which is controlled by the environment.  So what is the right environment to “cure” manic-depression?  Podvoll explains that Perceval changed his environment without even leaving the madhouse.  He changed his thoughts and beliefs and regained his sanity.
 

Silencing My Inner Voice

 
I am on Day Three of a change in my beliefs.  To a great extent, I have silenced my Voice.  I still find myself having mental conversations with it, but then I tell it to allow me time alone.  The long periods of inner silence require an adjustment, but I am finding that the “I” part of myself is getting stronger.  I keep wanting the “help” of my Voice, and sometimes it reminds me that I cannot get along without it.  My Voice even interrupts me with questions, but now I do not feel compelled to stop and answer them every time.  Sometimes the questions are anxiety-producing, which I do not need at all.
 

A Cure for Driving Anxiety?

 
I did not realize how dependent I have become on my Voice.  Now I am determined to emancipate myself however, and I am getting along better than I thought I could already.  I did not think I could drive without the help of my Voice, but it could be that the interference of my Voice is what is causing my anxiety while driving.  If I can silence my Voice while driving, I may reduce the anxiety and perhaps even be safer.  Yesterday, I did all right getting to the bank.  However, the distance to the bank is almost infinitesimal, so I need longer trips to prove whether I am becoming free of driving anxiety.
 

Writing Without My Inner Voice

 
I have hope that I can attain to a greater degree of sanity.  Just because I am not in the hospital does not mean I am not affected by symptoms.  I thought I would not be able to write without the help of my Voice, but for the past three days, my Voice has been silent during the process of my writing.  I can write on my own!
 

Dangers of Transformation

 
Podvoll writes that the desire for spiritual transformation is correlated with going insane.  Great.  I wrote a whole book on transformation, Joyful Vibrance:  Transform Your Body Image, Energy, and Mood! Does that mean what I wrote is worthless?  Probably not, but caution is advised.  Podvoll said that wanting to be someone else or somewhere else can be problematic.
 

Let Me Be Here and Be Me

 
Fortunately, I have always wanted to be me, and living here in Colorado is the best place on earth to be.  That was confirmed to me yesterday when almost a dozen people offered to help us while I was maneuvering my husband’s wheelchair.  Perhaps the best thing for me to do is to keep saying, “I am happy with the way that I am!” and “I love Colorado, my home!”  Saying these two things has probably helped me to be as sane and rational as I have been these past few months.
 

Ego

 
Another thing to avoid according to Podvoll is becoming an egomaniac.  My mother says I am prideful, but my husband says that is definitely not true.  I have an ego, to be sure.  What is the best thing to do with it?  According to Freud, we all have ego.  Perhaps the best way to tame my ego is to admit I have an ego.  I have read some of the words of Matt Kahn in Everything Is Here To Help You.  He talks about overcoming ego.  I have not finished his book yet, but so far it has been thought-provoking.
 
Let me invoke a better mindset by doing my gratitude practice.
 

Preparing For My Day

 
5-10 things i am grateful for:
  • losing .1 kg yesterday even though we ate out.
  • my blood pressure of 114/78 mmHg this morning with 63 bpm pulse and no blood pressure medication!
  • singing this morning about My Home, Colorado
  • a new peaceful mindset
  • getting my husband’s refund from the retirement complex
 
morning comments, feelings, ideas, moods, and empowering questions:
I am happy with the way that I am!  I love my home, Colorado!
 
mood and energy:
 
0-100
comments
mood:
95
I am feeling better than I have in a long time.
energy:
90
I have plenty of energy too!
 
accomplishments:
 
accomplishment
reason it is important
next action(s)
1
reading Edward Podvoll’s book Recovering Sanity, which is helping me to recover my sanity and emancipate myself from my Voice, which has made me its servant.
Mental health, safe joyful vibrance
Finish reading the book.
2
having a blissfully happy marriage with my very happy husband who says I am his life.
Relationships, Happiness
Keep building the marriage.
3
feeling grateful to be me and to be where I am.
Mental health
Keep singing about your contentment.
 

Showering Without My Inner Voice

 
Except for causing my right eye to hurt while shampooing it, I feel clean and happy.  I got myself in the shower this morning without all the vacillation I typically put myself through.  Usually, I wait around for my Voice to tell me to get in the shower.  I get stuck in weighing pros and cons and feeling guilty, lazy, etc.  Today, I just decided to do it and got immediately in without laziness at all.  I was amazed at the difference.  My Voice wanted to have our typical conversation while in the shower, but I held it off and showered in silence.  I did hurt my eye, but it is not serious.  It will heal soon.
 
I ordered some groceries just now and talked to my husband.  Lately, I think I must be talking to my husband more.  I have often been having conversations with my Voice, when I need to be talking to my husband or writing.  Wow!  This is a new life.
 

Meditating Without My Inner Voice

 
It is time for me to do my meditation.  I could do silent meditation, but my Voice would probably intrude and try to take over.  Maybe I can keep it from doing that.  That would be an interesting exercise.  I will let you know how it goes.
 
At first, I was distracted by my husband’s TV and shaver.  I kept up the mantra “One”.  Then I went into a dreamy state, and the Insight Timer gong woke me up after a total of ten minutes.  I must have lengthened my brain waves but maybe too much to stay in alpha, the ideal meditative state.  Perhaps I went into theta.  It seems though that I kept my Voice pretty much out of it.
 
Obviously, I have more to learn about how to meditate.  I have usually relied on guided meditation.  Scientific studies on meditation have often used guided meditation and have determined that meditating that way still has benefits.
 

Afternoon

 
I walked in the hallway for 3.22 miles this morning.  I met my neighbor across the hall.  She lives in Florida during the winter but is here for the summer.  She seems very nice.  Another neighbor with her friendly giant poodle remarked on how nice my hair looks.  I told her that I just washed it.
 
I fixed a sirloin steak for lunch.  It was very thick and was only rare on the inside.  I choked on it; I am really not used to eating steak, but I got it because my husband wanted it.  I cooked it again for a while, and it turned out better.
 
When I pressed the Suggest Foods button in Cronometer, it suggested several of my green drinks to complement the nutrition I have eaten already today.  We just got a fresh box of spinach, so that may easily be a reality.
 

Evening

 

Green Drink

 
I prepared a green drink tonight.  For variety, I added fresh green onion and cucumber besides spinach along with oregano and sea salt.  I Vitamixed a third or so of it with a fresh tomato.  I added extra sea salt (more than 1.7 grams) to make it work with the extra vegetables, maybe more salt than is necessary, so use your own discretion.  As a therapeutic item, I also added two capsules of curcumin to the mix.  Curcumin absorbs better when consumed with fat.  It helps the body turn the ALA omega-3 fatty acids in the chia seeds to long-chain omega-3 fatty acids.  Curcumin reduces inflammation and helps prevent Alzheimer’s disease.  Check out my comments about curcumin in my free ebook, Joyful Vibrance:  Transform Your Body Image, Energy, and Mood!
 

Ingredients

 

A Hot Day

 
Dinner is over.  I am starting on a Lynda course.  I got access to Lynda with my library barcode.  The condo is very hot.  My husband does not like the air-conditioner except in extreme situations.  My head and hands are very red.  I am happy with our day however.  I was planning to get my library card today, but I did not get over to the library.   However, I still have a few days before my barcode expires.
 

Inner Silence

 
I have been able to maintain inner silence most of the day.  When I think, it is clearly the “I” part of myself that is thinking.  I suppose my Voice will try to reassert itself at some point.  However, I know how to get rid of it.  I think I was mistaken in thinking that following my Voice was going to lead me to the pinnacle of success.  Instead it periodically leads me into psychosis.   At least that is what I now believe.  
 
I have been in psychosis way too many times.  This last time in 2016 was the worst.  In Podvoll’s book, a man took a hallucinogenic drug to induce mania.  He wanted to describe it, which he was able to do later, but the mania was too much for him.  He was not able to write while manic.  Mania can give you an extraordinary amount of physical and mental energy, but it ends up disabling you.  I am ready to give up the experience of manic episodes for good.
 

Prayer

 
 
 
EVENING Prayer
 
Dear Lord,
 
Today has been a day of progress.  I am thinking on my own, without the help of my Voice.
 
I scored 61 in my Android app JV Life Tracker today.  I added a list of activities to do for each blog post.  Lord, I feel like I am on my own, but perhaps you are with me somehow.
 
I am realizing more and more that I am not going to become someone I am not.  Though I did not really want that anyway, I was hoping to make a big change in myself.  I was hoping I could get off of my medication by now.  It does not look like that is ever going to happen.
 
I can reduce my symptoms however.  Taming my Voice is one way to reduce my symptoms and perhaps eliminate psychoses entirely.  Of course, I realize that getting
enough sleep is also very important because lack of sleep can actually induce psychosis, in anyone.  I am currently tracking my sleep and getting about seven hours each night, which is not bad.
 
It is bedtime now.  The condo is cool now.  It should be easier to sleep with the condo cooled off a bit.  My computer is already reducing its blue light emissions.  The screen is kind of orange.  I explain how to set that up in Windows in my ebook.
 
Lord, please bless my readers with protection against psychoses.  There are quite a few conditions that can induce them.  Manic-depression and schizophrenia are not the only causes.
 
Lord, thank You for my wonderful marriage.  My husband is being very loving.  He said, “That is just the way I am.”  I am happy he feels he can express that part of himself.
 
Amen.
 
If you would like to join me in this journey from the beginning, please start with Day One.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
KaeLyn Morrill
 

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