Day 206, Dealing with Depression
The last while has been hard for me. I do not know exactly what happened, but I started having some depression, so I stopped writing. I was only going to do that temporarily.
Moving Again, Even During Depression
I am writing now. However, I still feel waves of depression. Despite that, I am moving again. Today, I made meals for my husband, got a shower, and shopped with Instacart. A friend from Utah called me, and I talked to her for awhile. I do not think she detected my depression. My husband reminds me when I am down to take more l-tryptophan.
SAMe for Depression
I do not take prescription antidepressants. They do not work that well for me, and they carry the risk of mania as well as other adverse effects. L-tryptophan and SAMe work better against depression. I have not taken SAMe for a while, but I have relied on 500 mg of l-tryptophan each night. It might be time to take SAMe again. I stopped taking it because it is rather pricey, and B vitamins, choline, and TMG work as well. See my free but valuable ebook, Joyful Vibrance: Transform Your Body Image, Energy, and Mood! for a discussion on that and the methionine cycle, which is so critical to mood.
SAMe may help me out of my current slump. I just ordered a two-month supply of it.
TMG for Depression
I have not been taking TMG (trimethylglycine) lately. I could also start taking TMG again. I have a little beet juice in V8. Beets contain TMG. That may not be enough however, since V8 is mostly tomato juice.
I will get out of this depression again.
Should I Lose More Weight?
So, what should I do first? I have been discouraged about my slow weight loss. I read a short book about overcoming weight loss plateaus. What I really need to examine is whether I should lose any more weight. I have also been reading a book about bones. The author says that to lose weight is to lose bone. Once you are past menopause, it is difficult to get your bone weight back.
I could lose down to a 18.5 BMI, which Cronometer considers to be the lowest, safe weight. That is 114 pounds on my frame instead of 110, which I have been striving for. I prayed about what I should do about this, and the answer I received was that I can lose to 114 pounds. I was almost there last fall when I got down to 117 pounds.
So, my readers, if I make that change in my target, are you okay with it? You probably agree that going for a weight that is not considered safe is not a good idea. I have some jeans I will never fit into again, but I guess that is okay. I can buy some new ones.
Library Card and lynda.com
I still have not gotten out of the condo since I went to Target to get my medication. On April 6th, the county library is going to re-open and I could go get a library card. That way I can get access to lynda.com, which is an online training system. I considered getting FMTV and Insight Timer as well, but I think I will concentrate on lynda.com, which I can get for free.
I have not been doing my meditation lately. I have two recorded meditations on my computer, one by Yuri Elkaim and the other by Jack Canfield. I can play those as well as my own recordings. Or I can meditate in silence or while walking or eating. I also have YouTube, which I have only begun to explore for meditations. If I get my meditation going again, that will likely help my depression.
When Did I Last Meditate?
Let me see the last time I did it.
March 12th was the last day I meditated. I had a good track record before that. I wonder what happened. March 12th was right after my blog debuted on Facebook. That was a stressful time, which may be what set me up for depression. Before that, I usually meditated four or five days a week and sometimes even seven days a week. That’s interesting, I missed posting a blog entry on March 14th, 15th, and 16th, not long after I stopped meditating. I remember that I had some depression on those days. Did I get depressed because I did not meditate or did I not meditate because I was depressed? Regardless of whether the chicken or egg came first, it appears that not meditating and depression go hand in hand. I seemed to recover from my depression, but I did not get back to my meditation. Then depression hit again.
Or was the depression caused by Facebook? I kind of wonder about that. Facebook made it possible for me to get more visits to my blog, so I do not want to give it up.
It seems clear that I should resume doing my meditation. I have several options, but to be honest, I miss Insight Timer. I can still use its guided meditations for free, but it interrupts my sessions, asking me if I will join.
Then again, anything I have to have has me. I talked to my husband about it, and he did not think it was worth spending $5 a month for. However, he does not know all the benefits of Insight Timer. Let me pray about what to do.
There. After a somewhat lengthy discussion with my Maker, I have concluded that I need to resume listening to my own meditations and record more of them if I get sick of them. They are short, to the point, and tailored to me, and it appears they are useful in keeping me out of depression. There is no need for me to rely on Insight Timer anymore.
Conversation About Insight Timer
Here is most of our discussion:
I have determined that not meditating and depression seem to go hand in hand. I think I can reduce my depression if I get back into meditating. I have some meditations on Insight Timer that I really like and there are many more I have never listened to. On top of that there are 10-day and 30-day courses I am interested in taking, a couple of them from my favorite teachers.
However, it costs $5 a month, and my husband said to not do it. I could however, pay for it with my own account and he would not even know that I did so. What do you think I should do? The money goes to Australia, so I would not be helping the local economy.
Lord, is it too much of an extravagance to join Insight Timer?
What is a counseling session worth?
Right now, I can get counseling for free and I am not even taking advantage of it. Maybe that’s what I should do instead.
How much does it cost you to get to a counseling session?
A bit in gas.
What did you do last night?
I used Woebot [a robot counselor on Facebook] and that helped turn my depression around quite a bit. Woebot encourages meditation, and so does my counselor.
Yea. So even if you did counseling, you would still be encouraged to do meditation.
You have other ways of doing meditation.
I do. I have my own recordings. I thought negatively about them though, when I read The Dental Diet and learned that you should always breathe from the mouth. My meditations say to let out your breath through the mouth [during a conscious breathing exercise]. Perhaps I should not have done that.
When did you read The Dental Diet?
I got it March 3, 2019. However, the part about breathing I probably read around March 12th.
I see. So maybe The Dental Diet set you up for depression. Remember when Kevin Trudeau’s book did that to you?
Yes, I was concerned that I did not specify organic ingredients in my cookbook. I did not know much about organics back then. Since I went to IIN [Institute for Integrative Nutrition], I have learned a great deal more.
Exactly. KaeLyn, sometimes new knowledge makes you doubt yourself.
I suppose that’s true.
KaeLyn, what spirituality do you want? What would you like to be?
I want to influence with my blog. I would even like to speak again. I want to be beautiful.
KaeLyn, tell me how meditation fits into your plans.
It is supposed to help reduce anxiety and depression, and it builds the gray matter of the brain.
Would your own meditations do that?
I don’t know. I hope so, but I have not put them to the scientific test.
Did you use your own meditations up to March 12th?
It seems like that was the main way I meditated since the first of the year. However, I did not differentiate between my own meditations and Insight Timer in JV Life Tracker.
It appears to you that your own meditations have been successful at warding off depression.
I could conclude that, yes. I don’t have solid data, but I have some data that may support it.
What if you were to record more and more meditations?
Rather than going back to Insight Timer?
If you go back to Insight Timer, would you even have time to record your own meditations?
I would have ideas of what to include.
That’s true, but would your new knowledge cause self-doubt again?
That’s an interesting question. I love new knowledge, but sometimes it comes at a price.
KaeLyn, I want you to listen to your own meditations again, every day. If you get sick of them, record new meditations. Put them on the Web. I will show you what to do.
That’s true. With my own meditations, I fit more of what I need into a shorter time frame.
And what about meditations by Yuri Elkaim and Jack Canfield?
Their meditations are kind of long too.
Yes, they are. How much time in a day do you have?
I guess meditation is good, but it does not have to be done for a long period of time.
Exactly. Do you have your answer now?
I think I do.
Conversation About FMTV
Now let me pray about FMTV. I suspect I am going to get a similar answer.
The answer was kind of surprising. Here is our discussion:
I have been wondering whether I should sign up for FMTV. I did it before, and several of the movies contributed to my book. However, I did not have as much time for it as I hoped I would, and so the cost per movie was similar to buying a video for it. In addition FMTV has gone up in price. I would like to have it at my disposal. However, I could feel some stress if I do not have the time to take advantage of it.
I understand. Your time is at a premium, KaeLyn. Did you learn anything on FMTV that you implemented in your life and could not live without?
Most of the material I already knew. Some of it confirmed what I already knew. Some of it conflicted somewhat, and I have to admit, I stuck with what I already knew.
KaeLyn, what have you been doing lately?
Once you’ve read a book, can you keep it?
Yes, Amazon hangs on to all my Kindle books and gives me access to them.
What about those movies?
Once my subscription expires, I no longer have access to them.
Can you quote from those movies?
Only if I have a very good memory. Of course, I can’t just copy out of a Kindle book either. I have to retype it. However, that is not a really big deal.
Okay, what is more authoritative, the movies or your books?
That’s a good question. Some of those movies are kind of low budget. I am not sure how much authority they have. However, some of them are very popular.
I agree. Some of them are very entertaining. KaeLyn, what did you think of Joe Cross’s diet?
It looked like it was rather low in fiber.
Would you replicate it?
I don’t think so. I do not even have a juice extractor. That movie did not inspire me to buy one. I have a Vitamix.
Which keeps the fiber in.
Yes. Fiber is something I really need. I’ve done juice extraction before, and it seems like you are always throwing a lot of the good part away. I don’t need that.
Exactly. KaeLyn, what about Sergei Boutenko’s green drinks?
I’m sure they tasted great, but they were very high in sugar with all the fruit. I favor my own green drinks.
KaeLyn, I’m sure you would like to be entertained.
If the movies kept me from being able to spend time in books, perhaps it would not be worth it. For $100, I could buy an awful lot of books, especially when I get some of them for $.99 each.
Are you concerned you would run out of material on FMTV?
I don’t know. I didn’t before. But now that I’ve watched a lot of the material on it, I may have trouble finding enough additional material. I think they are adding new stuff all the time though.
Lord, I still feel a bit unsure of what I should do about FMTV.
How did it make you feel when you watched it?
I was usually entranced. I was so interested in the content.
Maybe it would guide me to further reading.
Perhaps. But did it?
Not really. I did listen to some more Wayne Dyer on YouTube though. He had a great deal of wisdom.
So do you. With FMTV, you could have it for a year, then let it go. With Insight Timer, you would need to keep renewing and renewing.
That’s probably true. I hadn’t thought of that. Also, I would be able to keep the printable ebook library, which they say is worth $220.
KaeLyn, do you have $99?
I do. I wonder if I could get my husband to watch any of the movies.
That’s a possibility.
I could connect them to the TV [via the HDMI cable].
How well that would work in practice, I don’t know. I was able to get a previous boyfriend to watch some of FMTV. I don’t think it influenced him much, but he saw some things.
Lord, what do you recommend that I do?
Do you need some kind of entertainment?
Well, we don’t go to movies. Most of the stuff on TV is very old and not about Food Matters.
Do you regret signing up before?
I just regret I did not have as much time for it as I would have liked.
But looking back, you were able to share it with your previous boyfriend.
Would it inspire you to do what you are doing with your blog?
It might. It inspired my book.
Yes, I agree. Do you want to muscle test it?
Yes. I think I got the answer yes, though I fell back a bit at first.
What do you say?
I haven’t discussed it with my husband. He didn’t say not to do it.
He did say no to Insight Timer however. I think he would say no if I discussed FMTV with him.
What did The Shift [which is on FMTV] mean to you?
I said a bit about it in my book. Let me look. Here is what I said, “As Dr. Wayne Dyer taught in the movie The Shift, Source can intimately guide the afternoon of our lives. I believe God is always with us and is all the more accessible to us as we seek and allow. With the help of our Creator, we can turn to the world’s most pressing problems and lend our experience, wisdom, and insight. That is my vision and sense of purpose.”
He spoke of God’s guidance.
What did that mean to you?
It meant that someone else sought what I seek.
Exactly. Someone who is respected.
Yes. He doesn’t say God is Christ, but he believes Source can guide us.
Yes. I am Source.
And You can guide me.
Absolutely. That movie was pretty important to you. When you watched it, you thought, “How could I have not watched this?”
That’s true. It confirmed what I have been so desperately seeking all my life.
You have My words in your blog.
I was afraid they would be questioned.
Has anyone questioned them?
Leave them in. I will give you more words to put in. Let My voice come through you.
Wow! It looks like I have the go-ahead to get FMTV. I pray I will have enough time to take advantage of it. Maybe I will get it this weekend. I will pay for it myself rather than putting it on my husband’s account.
I may not agree with everything on FMTV, but it is all very memorable. It can inspire you to be healthier. I look forward to it, and it will be entertaining. Maybe that will help bust my depression.
I played Cronometer today, but lost track of my food this evening. I did not do much with it yesterday either. Tomorrow and beyond, I will play the game again. I will gain weight very quickly if I do not. It is kind of embarrassing to admit that I had some depression this week, but how else will I show my readers how to deal with depression and get over it?
Let me think of what I am grateful for:
- our warm, plush condo
- my well-stocked refrigerator, freezer, and cupboards
- my loving husband
- my friends in Utah and Colorado, not to mention my Facebook friends from all over
- my rental income from my Utah apartment
- my wardrobe, which was mostly supplied by one of my friends
- Woebot, a robot counselor
- my Joyful Vibrance blog, which now has 176 posts
- SAMe, a great antidepressant, which is on the way here
- my meditation recordings, which most likely relieve depression and anxiety
- my soft, warm, spacious bed
- FMTV, a subscription I will soon have, which is entertaining and about Food Matters, my favorite topic
It is now 5:00 AM. I slept okay but not as long as I wanted to. The last two days I have over-eaten in a vain attempt to feel better during my depression. I am afraid to even get on the scales.
All I can do is get up again after falling down. One thing that amazes me about ice skating at the Olympics is how skaters recover falls. A fall costs them dearly in points, and they have almost no hope of winning. However, they get up and finish their program, no matter how much they might be hurting. That is inspiring. Following that inspiration, I am going to get up from my depression and go on and finish the race, even if I do not win.